Replay just what tennis needs

Instant replay in tennis, anyone?

Replay will help settle disputed line calls at the Nasdaq-100 Open in Key Biscayne, Fla., starting Wednesday and, later this year, the U.S. Open will be the first Grand Slam tournament to use the system.

And, thus, our children and our children’s children and generations of children until the end of time can be better ensured that a bad line call does not affect the outcome of a critical tennis match.

Because if it can happen to Serena Williams, it can happen to you.

Everyone in tennis is in agreement: Instant replay is the greatest thing since, well, the tennis shoe.

U.S. Tennis Association executive Arlen Kantarian told the New York Times replay is needed because the game has become so fast. “The human eye cannot keep up with that speed and power,” he said.

(Oh, really? It’s done a pretty good job with Van Diesel over the years.)

ATP chairman Etienne de Villiers told reporters, “To me, it was always crazy that with modern GPS technology we could tell where a person is to within a yard or meter on the planet Earth and yet we can’t tell whether a tennis ball is in or out.”

(To me, it was always crazy that we need to tell whether a tennis ball is in or out with 100 percent certainty. Seriously, if we spent just a little less energy on this issue and a little more energy on, say, the growing hole in the ozone layer, then maybe tennis brats on the planet Earth will still be able to complain about bad calls into the 25th century.)

And the voice of tennis civility, TV analyst savant John McEnroe, said, “If anyone’s been listening to my commentary the past year, then they know I’m in favor of using replay.”

(That’s my problem – I don’t listen to McEnroe’s commentary. I’d rather be stuck in a grain elevator with a gaggle of chanting Hare Krishna and an aluminum siding salesman.)

I believe my stance on instant replay as an officiating tool, which has remained constant since before its inception into the NFL, can be summed up in one word:

Balderdash.

As usual, ESPN is partly to blame for this unfortunate step “forward.” A few years back, something called the “ESPN Shot Spot” was introduced, the first tennis foray into video line-calling technology.

(Frankly, I blame ESPN for almost everything, but the boys in Bristol have helped build my new backyard deck, complete with Weber Summit Platinum 6-Burner Gas Grill and Catalina Outdoor Sauna!)

Here’s how the new “Hawk-Eye” officiating system works:

•Each player gets two challenges per set to review line calls.

•If the challenge is correct, the player retains both challenges.

Here is the system I prefer:

•A linesman calls the ball in or out.

•The players then move on to the next point.

(Oh, I’m sorry – this is the system they’ve been using since 1877, and it’s virtually ruined the game.)

Actually, if it were up to me – and I honestly cannot recall the last time it was up to me nor can I imagine the next time it will be up to me – this is what I would do:

Let’s have an entire tennis tournament without line judges.

That’s right – for a change of pace, let ‘em practice sportsmanship. Let ‘em call it themselves, like the rest of us do when we play on weekends. Just think of the promotional value alone of this type of event. Imagine a Roger Federer-Andre Agassi Wimbledon final with no chair umpire, just two tennis icons banging away while using their own eyes and own conscience to make the calls.

Heck, if you-make-the-call tennis were the norm, McEnroe might’ve won 30 Grand Slam titles.

Ask The Slouch

Q. Is CBS trying to recoup its entire $6 billion investment in the NCAA basketball tournament this year? Every time I turn on a game, it’s in commercial. (Norm Glismann; Bryan, Ohio)

A. The Federal Communications Commission wants to fine CBS $3.63 million for a teenage orgy scene in a “Without a Trace” episode. The money’s got to come from somewhere.

Q. Do you think the shooting of Tony Soprano will adversely impact Rutgers football recruiting? (Dave Assad; Pittsburgh)

A. You never know – it might give it a boost.

Q. Has the federal government ever subpoenaed your channel surfing data? (Ron Eureka; Streetsboro, Ohio)

A. Actually, the feds just went directly to TV Land and Animal Planet to access my records.

Q. In NASCAR, a rookie is required to carry a big yellow stripe across his or her rear bumper to warn competitors that the driver will eventually do something really stupid. Although Terrell Owens isn’t a rookie, are the Cowboys considering something similar for the back of his uniform? (Thom Bittner; Dayton, Md.)

A. Pay the man, Shirley.