Allow mate to confide in others

Dear Carolyn: I’ve done something horrible. I was looking for an address on my SO’s computer last week, and his browser automatically opened to e-mail. I knew I should not look, but I did. I saw an e-mail from him to his guy friends talking about a fight we had recently. I feel sad, and my boyfriend was sharing our intimate details to the masses, which hurts. He’s been wondering all week why I’ve been down, and I can’t bring myself to hang out with him right now. He has no idea why. I obviously can’t tell him what I saw, either. I know I’ll be on his computer more in the future and don’t want this temptation. How can I let this go and make sure it never tempts me again? My friend warned me, of course, that when you go snooping, you’ll never like what you see. I don’t think I was really snooping per se. – Va.

Right. His words jumped into your eyes, and you were helpless to stop them.

You snooped. You got burned.

You also might have overreacted. Unless it’s clear he typed up the details of your fight just for his friends’ entertainment, he could have been confiding in these friends to help him process what happened. Just as you did when you shared the details with your friend, right? The one who then warned you, essentially, not to have double standards about privacy?

Mates have to grant each other license to talk through what goes on between them with trusted third parties. The alternative is isolation, which benefits neither of you.

This license has limits, of course; discretion matters, too. Where you believe those limits should be is a great conversation to have with your SO – one you start by confessing to and apologizing for snooping, and explaining why you’ve been so down.

As for how not to read his e-mail again, try this: Don’t.

Hi, Carolyn. I cheated on my girlfriend of four years, and she says she’ll never forgive me. (There was no sex; she caught me having lunch with a girl I met on the Internet.) We have fought and broken up and loved one another and gotten back together again. She says there isn’t enough good history to put in the effort to trust me, and that she is through. I love her and want to show her I can change and be trusted. What do you advise? – B.

Change and become trustworthy. On your own, for your own sake, without contacting her. It’s not hard to get started: Stop doing things you know are wrong. Repeat.

And once you’ve grown a little self-respect, I have a feeling you’ll stop begging to get back into a relationship that produced four years of fighting, breaking up, reconciling, fighting, breaking up, reconciling, and shopping for Internet girls.