Tackle parenting dilemmas
A parent’s day consists of an endless series of decisions, big and small, from what you feed the kids in the morning to the book you read them at bedtime. Often it boils down to what’s good for them versus what they’ll actually enjoy – or put up with. And no matter how badly you may be tempted to take the easy way out, that pesky desire to be a responsible parent pushes you to seek the “right” way, whatever that is. Real Simple surveyed the experts to find solutions to five common parental dilemmas. For the other 5 million, you’re on your own.
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Cater to kids’ dinner demands, or let them go hungry?
Real Simple suggestion
Don’t cater. “It’s a child’s job to learn to eat what the parents eat,” says Ellyn Satter, a registered dietitian and a family-eating therapist in Madison, Wis., and author of “Secrets of Feeding a Healthy Family” (Kelcy Press, $17). Instead of the all-or-nothing scenario, offer a variety of foods at mealtime: the main course, plus rice or pasta, bread, a fruit or vegetable and milk. This way, your child can eat just the pasta and the peas and get protein from the milk. Don’t worry about getting a balanced meal into your child at any one sitting, says Stephen Daniels, chairman of the pediatric department at the University of Colorado Health Sciences Center and the Children’s Hospital in Denver: “What the child is eating over the course of a day or a week is more important.”
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Insist on “quality” books, or read them the insipid ones they ask for?
Real Simple suggestion
If it’s Care Bears they want, let them have it, says Anita Silvey, the author of “100 Best Books for Children” (Houghton Mifflin, $20). “We all have a slew of books in our past that no one thought were good for us,” she says. “You and your kids don’t experience a book the same way – they see things in it that you don’t. As long as they’re reading, that’s the thing to focus on.” If you do want to campaign for Seuss, Sendak and Silverstein, don’t be a tyrant. “Just because something is a classic doesn’t mean it’s right for your child,” Silvey says.
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Save them from certain failure, or let them live and learn?
Real Simple suggestion
Your tone-deaf daughter wants to audition for Annie. Your tiny, awkward son wants to go out for hockey. What do you do? Let them try. “While no one wants to see children hurt or teased, trying to protect them is worse,” says Fred Stocker, a pediatrician and a child psychiatrist at the University of Louisville School of Medicine, in Kentucky. “Ultimately, you want children to continue trying in the face of failure. You want them to be resilient and not see failure as a personal fault.” Rather than doing only “safe” things they know they’ll excel at, says Wendy Mogel, a Los Angeles-based clinical psychologist and the author of “The Blessing of a Skinned Knee” (Penguin, $14), “we want kids to try things they may not be very good at – not just for the opportunity to develop their ‘rejection muscle,’ but for the pleasure of the activity.”
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Tell a white lie to avoid hurt, or go with the truth?
Real Simple suggestion
White lies are appropriate sometimes,” says Stocker. “For example, perpetuating a cultural myth like the Easter Bunny with young children is OK.” Sandra Sexson, chief of child, adolescent and family psychiatry at the Medical College of Georgia, agrees: “At 3, a child doesn’t differentiate truth from fantasy very well, so letting her believe in something that’s not real isn’t a big deal.” When it comes to real life, though, “telling the truth, at least up to a point, is important,” says Sexson. If a child asks about something – behavior in a grandparent suffering from dementia, say – parents should offer a simple but honest explanation: “Grandpa has a problem that sometimes goes along with getting older.” Not discussing it, says Stocker, “only generates more anxiety, because a child has to create his own ‘myth’ of what’s happening.”
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Enforce matching outfits, or let them dress themselves?
Real Simple suggestion
Kids have an entire lifetime to feel the pressures of conformity, so try to just grin and bear their latest round of self-expression. “Five-year-old boys like to wear superhero capes,” says Mogel. “And why not? They’re never going to get to do that again.” If they are laughed at, they’ll learn how to deal with it. Children should be dressed appropriately for the weather, and parents can lend larger structure to the wardrobe – school versus party clothes, for example. But otherwise, let your child experiment. Aside from encouraging independence, this is practical.