She’s asking the impossible

Carolyn: Is it reasonable to believe that two people can be in a relationship and never hurt one another? An incredible woman I would love to be with asked me, as a prerequisite for our starting a relationship, to “promise that you will never hurt me.” Granted, she has been hurt in the past, but this request seems unreasonable. I can promise that I would never do anything consciously to cause her any pain, but life has so many factors out of my control that this request seems idealistic to me. – O.

So you, presumably, have never been hurt in the past? Nor has anyone else? It’s pointless to make demands that can’t be met – and I agree hers qualifies. You can promise not to be malicious (whether you want that precedent is another story), but you can’t promise that, say, your feelings for her won’t change someday, or you won’t become someone she dislikes. You can’t promise not to be human.

What concerns me more than her exercise in futility, though, is her exercise in self-absorption. By demanding special pain consideration, she’s implying that she deserves it – that her pain and suffering are such that her needs take priority.

We’ve all been hurt. We will all be again. We all deserve not to be recklessly so.

It might be worth looking past what I posit as her selfishness to be with an “incredible” person; that’s up to you. Certainly people recover in different ways from broken hearts, and I don’t mean to suggest that those who struggle with it should all be abruptly discarded.

I do think, though, that her me-first response to her past – and to what else, I wonder? – has to factor in to your response to her. Some people do respond to pain by generating empathy, not needs; by resolving to be stronger and treat others better, not by demanding better treatment.

Maybe the fact that we’re all vulnerable, and all hope to be treated with care, hasn’t occurred to her, either. Maybe there’s your response.

Dear Carolyn: Even though I am in my 20s and out of college, I was a virgin when I started a relationship with a man 10 years older. I realize at some point our sexual pasts will come up, and I’ll tell him. There are so many things he could think and I do not want him to freak out, so I am avoiding this conversation like the plague. The situation was just never right until I met him. – Looking for Words of Wisdom

So that’s what you tell him. If he’d rather freak out than accept who you are, then isn’t that important to know? Besides, if he had something to tell you, you’d probably rather just hear it than be sold, lobbied or spun.