Chat it up at dinner

NEW YORK – We start this holiday season as truly connected people.

A decade ago, it might have been hard for busy people to stay in touch with friends and relatives before they met again 12 months later at the same table. Now we can catch up on our cell phones while commuting or running errands. We can share jokes via e-mail and keep track of new babies using shared digital photo albums.

But just because we’re masters at communicating with one another doesn’t mean we’re any better at talking to each other. In fact, we might be getting worse.

“There’s been a flattening of how much you connect with people. We’re losing the edge of eye contact, gestures, how close you are to the person,” says Margaret Shepherd, author of “The Art of Civilized Conversation” (Broadway).

“Now, when they (people) are in a group, people feel swamped. They’re out of practice when it comes to give and take of conversation.”

Well, get ready for a crash course in chitchat. Because at the Thanksgiving table, most people are forced to stop relying on their electronic gadgets cold turkey.

You certainly can practice small talk before a gathering or party, or, at the very least, prep for it, says Cindy Post Senning, co-director of the Emily Post Institute, a hallowed hall of etiquette rules.

First, Senning advises, do a little research to find out it there have been recent births, graduations and weddings in the family or in your “family” of friends – this is where the Web comes in handy.

Then take the time to study up on some of the local holiday events, sports teams or even the weather. Weather might be the butt of small-talk jokes but it’s actually not a bad topic since it affects everyone and it often leads to other paths of conversation, Senning says.

Holiday tables are not, however, appropriate for controversial topics, Senning and Shepherd agree, probably knocking politics, money and religion off the list of topics.

And don’t tick off a list of ailments. “Don’t bring up your own health, it’s so boring,” Shepherd says. “Even if they ask you, don’t dwell on it.”

Shepherd also says to avoid commentary on personal appearance, even if you think you’re giving a compliment.

“Don’t say, ‘You look good!’ Instead say, ‘I’m so happy to see you!’ Otherwise it says, ‘I’m mostly focused on appearance,’ and it might leave your friend wondering, `Did I look bad before?’,” Shepherd says.

But even with all the uncomfortable topics off the table, there still might be a bit of dread going into a holiday celebration – and that’s OK, says professor Howard Sypher, head of Purdue University’s Department of Communication. “All the warts get shown, it can be draining emotionally. Holidays are times of tension and joy, but you do need to experience all that, and that’s what makes the holidays so special.”

And different from electronic experiences.

“Holiday time is a ritual function of communication – getting together with families and celebrating life together is a dynamic that can’t be recreated online. … You can’t replicate everyone talking at once, the expressions, the emotional aspects of the holidays,” Sypher says.

Seeing the same people year after year might also mean hearing some of the same stories or jokes, especially from family elders. Instead of cringing, embrace it as part of the ritual, Senning suggests.

So what if a senior calls you “youngster” when you’re 29? Just grin and bear it, she says. Also remind younger people that the older folks at the party might have some interesting stories or insights and that their opinions count, too.

But be careful about your language.

” ‘Sucks’ isn’t offensive if you’re hanging with 20-year-olds, but it might be offensive to a grandmother. It’s not a swear word but why risk offending someone?” Senning says.

With all these rules, risks and reminders, is it better just to keep quiet? No, says Senning.

“Meals are social occasions as well as fueling occasions. There is an art to table manners and conversation. … There really isn’t a place for long silences at the table. We’re there to enjoy each other’s conversation,” she says.