Tell son you’re willing to listen

Dear Annie: I am a work-at-home dad and totally flabbergasted, to say the least. While I was in my 16-year-old son’s room, I stumbled upon two magazines for gay men. I am honestly puzzled by this discovery, as he seems like a typical teenage boy.

Early on, we put a filter on the family computer so that sex sites could not be visited. I suspected he might try them, but certainly not those promoting gay sex. I talked with my son about the magazines in a casual, nonthreatening way. He claims they aren’t his, which I believe, but he won’t tell me who provided them. He says a friend loaned him the magazines because he was curious. I assured him that no matter what might come out of this, his mom and I will still love him.

Any suggestions? – Bewildered Father

Dear Bewildered: So far, you are handling this well. Your son may simply be curious, he may be confused about his sexual orientation, or he may, in fact, be gay. Don’t grill him about the person who gave him the magazines. He’ll clam up and become defensive. Instead, tell him that if he wants to talk about the magazines, you’re ready to listen. And if you haven’t had a birds-and-bees discussion with your son, this is a good opportunity. Let him know that confusion about sexual identity is normal at his age, and being attracted to other boys does not necessarily mean he is gay, and if he is gay, you will still love and accept him. If your son is uncomfortable talking to you, suggest he discuss it with his school counselor, or get information online through sites like pflag.org or kidshealth.org.

Dear Annie: I have a difficult situation with my husband of many years. I’ve been ignoring some of his behavior, but I can’t do it anymore.

In many ways, my husband is wonderful, kind and giving to others, and he is a good father to our children. The problem? He eats with his mouth open and doesn’t bathe regularly. How can I convey my concern? Or do I just need to continue ignoring the problem? – Puzzled

Dear Puzzled: Don’t ignore it. It isn’t going to get better. Tell your husband, lovingly, that he needs to shower more often. Some husbands respond well to the idea that freshly cleaned means more sex. (Offer to shower with him.) Others might shower more if they thought business associates may notice. Say whatever will convince him.

As for chewing with his mouth open, make it clear that it’s unappealing, and as he gets older, it can become harder to control. You’ll have to remind him regularly (and gently), but if he is receptive, it can work. If he becomes angry, however, you’ll have to decide how important it is to you.