Annie’s Mailbox : Mom puts on false front

Dear Annie: I grew up in a very large family. As children, we were never hugged, cuddled, praised, encouraged or told we were loved. We had no physical contact with our parents except when we got into trouble and received a spanking or a beating. None of us was spared from my father’s explosive temper. He disciplined us with his fist, belt or a board. We were brought up to fear him.

My mother was an immaculate housekeeper and good cook. Her whole life revolved around my father, and all of us had to be sure the house was in good shape so my father would be content and visitors would be impressed.

Mother has often manipulated, distorted and lied about events to make herself the victim. She pits us siblings against each other and our father against his children. Needless to say, we are not one big, happy family.

However, when we go to family functions, my mother is the life of the party. She hugs everyone. She jokes (although these jokes are vulgar and embarrassing to us), she laughs loudly, and everyone thinks she is such a wonderful, happy person.

But this is not the mother we know. At home she is the opposite. She is vindictive, gossips, exaggerates, mocks the family and neighbors, and has nasty nicknames for people. She keeps the family in constant turmoil with accusations and lies. Most of my siblings will not visit or have anything to do with my parents. For self-protection and self-preservation, I have little contact. How do I deal with my parents at public gatherings? – If People Only Knew

Dear If People Only Knew: You are polite and civil, no more, no less. If someone compliments your parents to you, put a forced smile on your face and say nothing. Surely friends and relatives have an inkling that the family is not close, but airing your dirty linen might actually garner sympathy for your parents. Your relationship with them is no one’s business but your own. (P.S.: We hope you are getting therapy.)

Dear Annie: As a private practice counselor in New York, I am responding to “Need Therapy.” I read your column regularly and appreciate many of your responses. Another helpful resource for your readers are Licensed Mental Health Counselors. We are licensed, master’s level therapists. To find a counselor, your readers can check the American Mental Health Counselors Association (amhca.org) at (800) 326-2642. – Craig Debinski, M.A., Licensed Mental Health Counselor

Dear Craig Debinski: Thanks for providing another resource for our readers. We appreciate the additional help.