Pregnant friend smokes, drinks

Dear Annie: My friend, “Lois,” is pregnant and due in three months. On several occasions, I have observed her drinking and smoking heavily. Several of her friends have spoken to her about this, as has her doctor, to no avail. We have dropped the subject because we love Lois and can’t change her behavior.

Lois told us that her husband is fine with her drinking. However, he recently told me it was OK if she had a beer once in a while. This makes me believe he doesn’t know how much she drinks.

I feel I have a moral obligation to speak up, but I don’t want to lose the friendship. Should I tell him? Should I send an anonymous letter?

I know Lois has yet to feel the baby move, so it may already be too late. And if her husband finds out, he might leave her, especially if the baby is born with fetal alcohol syndrome or worse, and I don’t want to be the cause of her marriage ending. Please help me decide what to do. – Speak Up or Shut Up

Dear Speak Up: Lois should have been able to feel the baby move at about 20 weeks, but we assume she is getting regular checkups and her doctor would have noticed something amiss. Even if Hubby knows the extent of her drinking, it won’t protect the baby if Lois refuses to give up her destructive habits. Is it possible she doesn’t really want to be a mother? Mention that her behavior indicates she is ambivalent at best, and see if that turns on any lights for her.

Dear Annie: I’m tired of feeling guilty because I don’t like my stepchildren or stepgrandchildren.

When I remarried, my daughter and I were ecstatic about becoming a blended family, but it soon became apparent I was just Dad’s wife and they wanted nothing to do with me or their stepsister.

Until recently, the only time my stepchildren would call or visit was when they needed money. Now, after all these years, they suddenly want a relationship. They want me to be “Grandma” to their children.

My husband is disabled, and I work long hours. I come home after work exhausted and don’t have the energy to be “Grandma.” – Stressed Out in Oregon

Dear Stressed Out: You don’t have to be a baby sitter, but this is your husband’s family, and even if you dislike them, try to be flexible. Some kids have a hard time accepting the new wife and siblings, but when grandchildren come along, they soften up. Give your stepchildren the opportunity to become closer, and at the very least, you will have made your husband happy and established a relationship with those grandchildren.