He seems forced to discard items

Dear Annie: My brother-in-law, “Fred,” has been married to my sister for 20 years. The problem is, he discards items that aren’t his, and he does it without asking.

I know Fred likes things very tidy, but at a recent family gathering, he removed some signs on the walls that were displayed for renters. When I asked why, he said it was “a joke,” but the signs never reappeared. Yesterday, I noticed a coffee mug in the wastebasket. Fred said he couldn’t clean it, so he tossed it, but I washed it fairly easily. And by the way, this is my coffee mug.

Fred’s a nice enough guy, but his behavior seems to be worsening. How do I approach this? Should I just let it drop until he throws out something valuable? – Irritated Sister-In-Law

Dear Irritated: We’ve asked a few doctors about Fred’s problem, and were told it could be an obsessive-compulsive disorder, a control issue or something else altogether. Such behaviors can get worse if they are not addressed.

First, tell Fred directly that he is not to throw out any items that belong to you. Then, suggest to your sister that Fred be evaluated by a psychotherapist, and she might also check the Obsessive Compulsive Foundation (ocfoundation.org), 676 State St., New Haven, CT 06511.

Dear Annie: I read the letter from “Torn in Tacoma,” asking how many previous sexual partners it is appropriate for a woman to have had. You basically told him it had less to do with the number than with her character.

But really, Annie, how many is too many? 10? 30? 100? How honest is a woman expected to be? My first serious girlfriend said I was her first, but I found out I was her fourth. I met my wife in college. When I asked about her past, she said, “I swear, only you and my old boyfriend.” You know where I’m going with this.

After 12 years of marriage, I discovered I am not even in the top five. Her mom dropped off a bunch of things at our house, including old letters. I found out there were many men before me. I think about this every day and can’t let it go. What do I do now? – Losing It in North Carolina

Dear Losing It: We know this information is a shock for you, but try to accept that what happened before you became involved with your wife is not part of your life together. You should have known if she had a child or if her previous sexual life caused a medical problem or gave her an STD, but that’s it. When you questioned her, she no doubt felt obligated to lie in order to protect your feelings and maintain the relationship – which she obviously values. If you can’t get past this, it’s time to see a counselor.