Girlfriend can be long-winded

Hi, Carolyn: My girlfriend talks. A lot. She regularly goes for 15 minutes with barely a breath. It’s quite impressive, really. I appreciate that she feels comfortable enough to let me in on her streams of consciousness, but sometimes her stories take on an “I said … then she was like …” quality. I try to gently encourage her to get to the point, but that doesn’t work. So I’m forced to be blunt (which feels rude) and say, “Babe, where are you going with this? I’ve totally lost track.”

Depending on my mood, these monologues can seem: 1) amusing; 2) boring; 3) irritating; or 4) downright rude. Part of me thinks, well, this is the way she communicates and I shouldn’t try to change her. It’s not that I never get a chance to talk, she’s an okay listener, but conversation with her is not the give-and-take I have with most others. Sometimes I feel like she’d be just as happy talking to a wall.

We’ve talked about her talking (she’s famous among her family and friends as a chatterbox), but she doesn’t seem inclined to rein it in. How to approach this? – Tired Ears

I’m inclined to be terse, just to give you a break. If there’s a roughly 75 percent chance she’ll bore, irritate or offend you, then you approach this by breaking up.

But as your girlfriend can attest (at great length), sometimes terse doesn’t get it done. Happy couples don’t arise from two lists of ideal traits, but from happy combinations of mundane ones – with a few ungrudging compromises thrown in. So, I wonder. Does your girlfriend think it’s rude when you interrupt, or is she used to it from family and friends? How do they rein her in?

If the occasional “Babe, where are you going with this?” re-rails the conversation, and she can shrug it off, and you can therefore come around to see it isn’t rude, then maybe you can adapt your way out of this corner.

That’s assuming a little bluntness is all you need to engage her in satisfying conversation. If instead you feel true exchanges with her aren’t possible, and even her best moments leave you feeling lonely, then that’s a grudging compromise – on too essential a point.

Carolyn: I am a woman in my thirties who has never been married. I have no intention of getting married until I find the right person. I get many questions as to why I am not married and people often answer their own question with remarks like, “There must be something wrong with you.” What is that supposed to mean? Please help me give an appropriate answer so I won’t look like a deer in headlights. – Deer

Those remarks mean you’re talking to an idiot. Nothing more.

There are many appropriate answers here – honest ones (looking like a deer in headlights); raw ones (“What a terrible question”); exasperated ones (“Because something’s wrong with me”); hostile ones (“To help you feel superior”); over-compensating ones (“Just lucky I guess”); confrontational ones (“Why, am I making you nervous?”); non-ones (“Oh my, look at the time!”); rhetorical ones (“Just how small is your world?”); absurd ones (“I’m allergic to buttercream”); straight ones (“I haven’t found the right person”). All are appropriate, none are owed, except maybe an “Excuse me” before you walk away.