Avista has the answer, just ask ‘em
Welcome to “Avista: Gonna Clip-Ya!” – the power company forum designed to answer your energy questions.
Q: Last year Avista raised Washington gas rates nearly 24 percent. Electricity rates jumped about 9 percent. And now you have the gall to ask for 8-plus percent increases for both gas and electricity. Am I missing something here?
A: Yes, you are. We also plan to stick it to Idaho.
Q: People on a limited budget can barely afford to pay their current power bills. Any suggestions?
A: Avista believes ratepayers always have two choices.
Q: Two choices?
A: 1. Pay up. 2. Or invest in candles and extra blankets.
Q: Isn’t it true Avista CEO Gary Ely raked in a million bucks last year in salary, bonuses and stock grants?
A: Look. We’re not going to sit here and listen to your insults. Get it straight, pal. Gary made $2.57 million in salary, bonuses and stock grants last year.
Q: What in the sacred name of Reddy Kilowatt could this guy do to deserve that kind of loot?
A: Two million-plus may sound like a fortune to a minimum-wage mook working at a quickie mart. But fat cats in the Gary Ely league have a lot of expenses.
Q: Like what?
A: Do you have any idea what a 2007 Ferrari 599 GTB Fiorano will cost? Do you have a clue what a real English butler charges these days?
Q: Well, no.
A: So don’t go criticizing the rich until you’ve experienced the pain of trying to find the right pair of handmade alligator loafers that won’t pinch your bunions.
Q: Does Avista have any special programs for people on a fixed income?
A: This year the Avista Corp. is offering a special handbook for the elderly and the poor.
Q: How nice. What’s it called?
A: “Eating Your Pets & Other Money Saving Tips.”
Q: This is off topic, but what do you think the punishment should be for those young firebugs accused of burning down the Sacajawea Middle School library?
A: They should be locked up and forced to read each and every book they incinerated.
Q: Are their lives over?
A: Naw. Once they get out of jail they can always get jobs in the local pyromaniac-related industry.
Q: There’s a local pyromaniac-related industry?
A: Yes. Although North Idaho grass growers prefer to call it “summer field burning.”
Q: I read the other day that natural gas prices are down. Yet Avista is trying to raise rates. What gives?
A: The global energy market is a very complex greed-driven system. Avista Corp., for example, buys three-fourths of its natural gas from Canada while hedging more than half its supply.
Q: I don’t understand.
A: That’s the way Avista likes it. We want our ratepayers to be in a constant fog of confusion yet coherent enough to sign a check.
Q: This year marks the 10th anniversary of Ice Storm ‘96, the teeth-chattering cold spell where much of the region lost power for days.
A: It was so cold the Avista lawyers had their hands in their own pockets.
Q: Hey, is that a Rodney Dangerfield joke?
A: No, I got it from my friend Karen.
Q: Has Avista taken any steps to make sure such a mass power outage won’t occur again?
A: I’m glad you asked. We lost a butt load of electricity revenue during Ice Storm. But thanks to new innovations in computerized billing we now have this ingenious automatic rate increase that will make up for any extended monetary loss.
Q: Another rate increase? That’s Avista’s ice storm contingency plan?
A: Apparently you haven’t been paying attention.
Q: What do you mean?
A: Raising rates is the Avista Corp.’s answer to everything.