Past better left unmade

Dear Carolyn: I recently found an old college friend’s e-mail through our alumni Web site. While it has been many years since we last spoke, I have thought about him a lot and hoped we would get back in touch. This man was a wonderful friend, and while we had a romantic interest at first, our relationship turned into a sweet friendship. For some reason or another, we lost touch. I learned from a mutual acquaintance that he is happily married and lives in a small Midwestern town. A part of me is hesitant to write because I don’t want to give him the wrong idea. I have no romantic intentions and only want to rekindle an old friendship. I see finding his e-mail as a sort of sign to get back in touch, yet another friend of mine told me to let go of the past. I can’t help but remember the good times we had together in college. He was a very special friend to me. Carolyn, at what point do you say to yourself, “Forget it … the memories are good enough,” and just continue on with your life? – Nostalgic in the Northwest

As a firm and public proponent both of reaching out to old friends and of an enlightened approach to opposite-sex friendships, I’d say you’ve reached the forget-it point when your declaration of Platonic intent includes, “thought about him a lot;” “wonderful,” “sweet” and “very special” friendship; “rekindle”; cherished memories; hope; and nostalgia.

You want me to believe – or you want you to believe – that your intentions are purely of the “How the hell are ya?” variety. But even if they are, they don’t sound that way, which means they might not sound that way to him, and what if your contact does stir up old feelings in him? What happy marriage needs that?

We all know some visits from the past are more loaded than others, some predictably so, and are therefore best left unmade. Why is this one of them? Maybe it’s just because someone wanting to fire off a harmless “How the hell are ya?” would have long since done it already, without shopping around for OKs.

Dear Carolyn: I’m 53, divorced for 10 years, and have struggled with finding the appropriate range of ages of women I should pursue. Female friends have suggested a formula for determining a minimum age – “half your age plus 10.” However when I start dating someone only slightly above this minimum, these same friends criticize me for dating someone too young. – Confused and Single Man

The definitive formula is:

Your age divided by 7, plus number of years of education, times the number of previous marriages between you, minus the arbitrary formulas of underoccupied busybodies who have no direct say in your life, plus a forehead slap. You’re 53 years old. As long as it’s legal, date whom you want to date.