Matrimony is much better if kept simple

Hello, young lovers, wherever you are.

A lot of you are no doubt contemplating a quaint custom called marriage. I’m a huge fan of marriage, although apparently not as big a fan as some of my friends. They’ve done it three or four times.

Yet we want no negative vibes today, because I want to extend my most heartfelt advice: Run out right now and get married.

I mean that literally: Run (or hike) up a mountain and get married.

I hereby present my case against a big, fancy, honking expensive wedding, yet for getting married.

This case is especially easy for me to make because I’m a guy. I don’t know any guy who sits around with his pals and says, “You know what I dream about? A crowd of 500, a beautifully decorated cathedral, a lot of second cousins I’ve never met, exquisite floral displays and the most expensive tuxedo that money can rent.”

I’m not saying that a lot of guys don’t end up having big, fancy, honkin’ weddings. I’m just saying they are usually – how can I put this? – passive partners.

So let me first direct my argument at brides by asking this question: For whom, exactly, are you staging this big, fancy, honkin’ expensive wedding?

Probably not for the groom, as we’ve already established. But is it really for you?

Certainly, many brides will say yes. A big wedding is something many women have dreamed about since childhood, and those brides, by all means should have a big wedding. How often does a person get to star in their very own $10,000 or $20,000 stage production?

But many other brides will honestly say, “It’s for my parents.”

Well …

As a parent, I must warn you: Don’t jump to conclusions.

Maybe your parents are not all that crazy, either, about spending an entire solid year obsessing over hall rental and table decorations and how much to tip the priest – not to mention the interest rate on the home equity loan they took out just to afford the photographer.

Of course, many parents are all in favor of it. After all, they are in that empty-nest phase of life when they suddenly have so much time on their hands that they are apt to do something nutty, like go out and buy a dachshund. So having a wedding to plan can bring purpose to their lives, even more so than dressing little Pretzel in sweaters.

But some of us are adherents of what I like to call advanced simplicity, or what other people probably call “being totally boring and cheap.”

You know the type: We’re the parents who refused to rent a helicopter to take our children to prom. In fact, we’re the parents who refused to rent a limousine. In fact, we’re the parents who made them take the old pickup, arguing that anything else would be ostentatious and wasteful.

In certain extreme cases, we’re the parents who sewed ruffles onto our kid’s white shirt, figuring that the whole tuxedo-rental business is just a big racket.

So don’t assume that your parents necessarily want to stage a giant wedding production, second in complexity only to the touring production of “Les Miserables.”

Of course, there are other people to consider as well. What about all of those out-of-town relatives? Won’t they feel left out without a big wedding?

I can’t speak for everyone, but as a longtime relative, I can say that maybe, just maybe, spending all of their vacation time at your wedding in Spokane, in January, with accommodations at the Super Econo-Inn on East Sprague, may not be No. 1 on their vacation priority list.

OK. Enough of that. It’s time for me to come clean. I’m saying all of this for another, ulterior purpose.

I am actually saying to my son Mike and his new bride Lindsay: Yes, we are absolutely, completely OK with your decision this summer to hike up a mountain overlooking Puget Sound, with three close friends, and get married.

Marriage is one of the rare things in life in which the end (becoming married) is more important than the means (having a wedding).

Also, let’s face it: The giant reception that our new in-laws are staging today is, in everything except name, florist bills and organ music, a big, honkin’ wedding.

So I would like to conclude my argument against big, fancy, honkin’, expensive weddings by saying, “Never mind.”

I actually like those weddings, too. That’s how big a fan I am of marriage. I don’t really worry much about how people do it, as long as they get it done exactly the way they want.