Aunt plays the martyr with lies

Dear Annie: My “Aunt Judy” has been vicious to her in-laws (my grandparents) and my family for years. She’s easily offended, and I can’t help but think she’s holding on to some old, hidden grudge.

Judy’s daughter has cancer, and Judy posts on a Web site for families. She writes comments saying her in-laws are “cold” and never lift a finger to help. This is not true. The most recent fib was when my grandparents invited her for dinner, and she declined, stating she had plans. When I went to the Web site, she had posted that “the evil in-laws” had invited the whole family to dinner except her.

We dread every holiday and family get-together because of Judy. But my grandma is adamant about maintaining a relationship so as not to lose her son or grandchildren. Judy often sneers behind my grandmother’s back, and I’m about ready to take a picture and post it on that Web site so everyone will know how nasty she really is. What can I do to help? – Niece of a Liar

Dear Niece: As tempting as it may be, exposing Judy as a liar will not make her a better daughter-in-law. She is insecure and needs to set herself up as the victim in order to garner sympathy and feel liked. Also, her daughter has cancer, and this is causing additional stress and misplaced, inappropriate blame directed at her in-laws. The best way to help is to let your grandparents know how much you love and respect them. This will mean more to them than you know.

Dear Annie: I am a married, 44-year-old mother of three, but I’m starting to feel like I’m back in high school.

We live in an upscale area. For some reason, we are excluded from many social events that most of my friends and neighbors are invited to. Our kids are friendly with the children of these families, and we have invited the families to our home for dinners and get-togethers. We also do a tremendous amount of volunteer work, coaching and working in the schools.

We feel shunned and can’t figure out why there is no invitation in our mailbox. I am ready to move out of town and start over. It is difficult to be excluded and still face these families nearly every day. I try to keep a stiff upper lip, but after a while, it droops. We would love your insight. – Neighborhood Pariah

Dear Pariah: If you are on friendly terms with these people, we have no idea why you aren’t included in any of their social gatherings. It’s time to ask one of your mutual friends what’s going on and perhaps to intercede on your behalf. We hope it will turn out to be a misunderstanding that can be quickly remedied.