Carolyn Hax: To spot a good ‘catch,’ be one
Dear Carolyn: So, met this guy at an event in late summer. He was interested, I was full of myself and liked having lots of boys interested, so I blew him off. Fast-forward to last weekend, when we bump into each other and hit it off like gangbusters. Then last night, when he tells me he is not interested in a relationship with anyone. And he’s still (angry) about the first time we met.
Am I a total jerk? Or did I just do some growing up in the intervening time and I am paying the price for my immaturity? – D.C.
If all you did was turn down someone who didn’t interest you and then change your mind about your interest, then I question how good a “catch” he is. Think how immature that would make him. If a lack of romantic interest constitutes grounds for holding a grudge against someone, then by middle age we’d all be nursing at least three dozen grudges apiece – and that doesn’t even include familial, professional or regrettable-plaid-trouser-based rejections. I get tired just thinking about it.
However, if you blew him off so rudely that he has legitimate, enduring questions about your character, then I question whether you’ve really grown up.
Growing up means realizing, on your own, with nothing material to gain from it, the ways you are to blame for your problems. Your regrets seem suspiciously connected to your not getting something you want.
Conveniently, whether you mistreated him, or he you, or both, it all raises the same point: It’s easy to get so caught up in yourself that you forget other people are human, but it’s memorably hard when you’re on the receiving end.
That’s why one good way to get over feeling like a total jerk is to make decency your new operative word. Don’t offer people less, and don’t settle for less – or, to use your words, learn to spot a good catch, and to be one.
Dear Carolyn: What makes a guy mature? I am 43 and still have a problem with how I look at women. I don’t mean any disrespect, and several I admire for their intelligence and ability to do their jobs, but I still undress them with my eyes. I don’t do it on purpose, and I stop as soon as I realize I am doing it. – Phoenix
You respect several women. Excellent.
Maturity is not the death of a healthy fantasy life. It’s the birth of the knowledge that you can stop before you indulge. That means knowing you leer – seriously, anticipating it every time you approach women – understanding how bad it will make her feel, and chanting to yourself: eyes on face, not in shirt. Thanks in advance for trying.