Let go of the perfect proposal

Hi, Carolyn! I feel like I’m in a Catch-22, and I hope you can help. I’ve been dating my boyfriend for three years (we’re both in our late 20s), and we’ve had a great relationship. I want us to get married, and I’ve known and been comfortable with this for a while. Even though I’ve never said so directly, my boyfriend knows how I feel. He is definitely committed to me, and we have a great relationship. But we’re still not engaged, and I can feel myself starting to get resentful of waiting. I have thought about popping the question myself, but (a) he’s a bit of a traditionalist and I don’t think it would be well received, and (b) it feels like an ultimatum – I’m afraid it would force a decision he has a valid reason for postponing. Plus, in all honestly, I really want him to ask me (though I could care less about rings and all that other stuff, and I think he knows this too). So how do I find out why I’m still waiting, without pressuring him? Or, alternatively, how do I stop feeling resentful for it? – Waiting

This is your future, your heart, your “great relationship” (twice). Asking to be included in decisions that affect these things is not pressure.

I realize you want him to want you – so urgently and surely that he drops to his knee tonight. Everyone wants that love. Well, everyone over a certain age who’s been committed to someone long enough to establish credibility, but they cut that scene from “Cinderella.”

As a traditionalist, your boyfriend is presumably marriage-minded as well – which suggests that, for whatever reason, his love isn’t so urgent or sure, or else he’d have proposed. Either you know why and are at this moment admitting it to yourself, or you need to ask him why.

In other words, you need to let go of the perfect proposal, even if you’ve both carried these visions with you from childhood. Again: This is your life, not a scene in a movie. Unless you envisioned three years of pining, you’re already off the script.

And, more important, movies celebrate courtship; they end at the wedding. Real life is roughly reversed. By gearing your actions toward preserving “tradition,” you’re concentrating on the briefest, least significant part of the story. The bulk of your life with someone is (theoretically) after the wedding, where the ability to communicate without fear of upsetting someone will serve you far better than who bended whose knee.

If his response is to propose, trust your instincts – and the validity of his reasons – to tell you whether Humpty Dumpty was pushed by an ultimatum. You’ll know, you’ll know, you’ll know. Resist the urge to spin it, second-guess it, or delude yourself out of it.

If he’s just not feeling it, then you’re better for knowing it.

And, finally, if your speaking your mind, sharing your love and asking for the truth is not “well received,” then please know that the only thing you’ve ruined is a future spent tiptoeing around someone else’s idea of how life “should” be. What does happen always trumps what should – and when you get there, the partner you want is someone who puts feelings first.