Asterisk club has plenty of company
Yes, I believe that Barry Bonds deserves an asterisk for his home run record. Yes, I think he cheated with steroids.
Yet to be scrupulously fair, a lot of human achievements deserve an *.
* “Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band” was made possible by LSD, especially the part about “marmalade skies.”
* Sophomore Jonathan Winklethurber’s A-minus poli-sci term paper was produced by Red Bull, Starbucks and No-Doz, sometimes mixed together.
* F. Scott Fitzgerald’s “The Great Gatsby” was fueled by dozens, if not thousands, of gin rickeys.
* Herb Neenermyer’s third marriage owes its entire existence to Viagra.
* The award-winning journalism of Edward R. Murrow was inspired by carton after carton of Camels.
* The monumental British victory at the Battle of Trafalgar was achieved by the pint of grog distributed to every man-jack. Grog is a known courage-enhancer.
* Winston Churchill’s books and speeches, as well as his ability to save civilization as we know it, were enhanced by copious amounts of champagne, brandy, scotch and gin.
* The Allied armies of World War II raced practically non-stop on nicotine. However, the Nazis smoked just as much, causing some authorities to believe any competitive advantage was canceled out.
* The great jazz solos of Miles Davis, Chet Baker, Billie Holiday, Charlie Parker and – hell, practically every jazz cat of the ‘40s and ‘50s – were brought to you by heroin.
* The long, happy marriage of Burt and Betsy Biffington was enhanced by Valium and Prozac, which smoothed out those rough spots.
* Babe Ruth’s home-run record would not have been possible without his “little helpers”: beer, hot dogs and cigars.
* Mozart’s piano concertos were fueled by Viennese strudel, lots and lots of strudel.
* The genius of Sherlock Holmes was often stimulated by cocaine and morphine, even though it occasionally caused him to deduce things backward.
* 57-year-old Spokane accountant Jerry Flinderman’s excellent back-nine score of 41 was directly attributable to three cans of Kokanee, which loosened up his follow-through.
* Alexander the Great’s conquest of the Known World was fueled, if rumors are correct, by goats.
* Tennis great Billie Jean King used known performance enhancers throughout her career. They were called “glasses.”
* Bob Dylan’s milestone album “Highway 61 Revisited” was made possible by lots and lots of marijuana. This explains the line, “The sun’s not yellow, it’s chicken!”
* The landmark film “Apocalypse Now!” was shot through a massive drug haze, a fact that becomes apparent when Marlon Brando mumbles incoherently to a water buffalo.
* Every Irish poet, with the possible exception of the 12th century nuns, lubricated their verses with Guinness.
* Ernest Hemingway’s spare prose was perfected through the disciplined and unstinting consumption of martinis, daiquiris, mojitos, red local wines, white local wines, and, when he could get it, absinthe.
Now, I’m not saying that these examples excuse Barry Bonds in any way. He went over the line.
I’m just saying, we all have our little performance enhancers.
* This column was produced with a boost from 100 percent Columbian coffee and Frosted Mini-Wheats.