Elder Maze: Patience is key as parents, kids switch roles

Parents, do you remember the battle of wills when your kids were young and you tried everything you could to keep them safe at home?

Did they fuss a lot when you wouldn’t let them drive whenever and wherever they wanted?

Children, do you remember what those battles of wills were like when you felt Mom or Dad was being too protective of you, acting like “just an old fuddy-duddy”?

Well, remember those feelings well as you engage in a new battle of wills. This time, however, the shoe is on the other foot.

This time, it’s the kid who is “overly concerned” about Mom’s safety at home. This time, the kid isn’t comfortable with Dad driving anymore; no one wants a fender-bender, or worse, to happen.

Safety at home and in the car are too often occasions for strong disagreements that can lead to even stronger reactions on the part of parents and adult children alike.

So let’s try to separate the issues and shed some light – rather than further heat – on what’s happening.

My observation is that most elders and their adult children can agree on issues of safety. Elders want to be safe in their own homes and while driving their cars. Adult children want their parents to be safe also. So where’s the problem?

The problem is pretty obvious: The parent and the child too often disagree on what “being safe” means. Mom may too quickly think her daughter wants to cut back on her freedom by taking the car keys away, or even putting grab bars in the shower/tub.

But before you engage in a full-blown reversal of roles, where Mom becomes the child and the daughter becomes the mother, step back and take some deep breaths together.

Daughter, respect your mother always as your mother. Mom, remember your daughter is now an adult worthy of respect.

This doesn’t mean the roles shouldn’t be reversed under certain circumstances. It just means those roles shouldn’t block out the basic worth of your relationship. Treat each other lovingly, respectfully, and you both may get more out of the difficult situation than you anticipate.

“Safety at home: One item families find helpful that allows elders to stay at home safely is a “home emergency alert system.” It involves a necklace or wrist button that electronically connects the wearer to a live person who then can contact a family member or 911 in case of emergency.

There are many different brands available. Check online or talk with another elder who is using this system to find out what might work well for you or your older parent.

There seems to be a fairly wide range of monthly fees, from $12.95 to $40. Look carefully at what kind of service you will receive from each of the providers for the cost involved. Look for the service you believe will be most helpful to your parent or yourself. This investment may be worth your own peace of mind.

“Safety in the car: I recently asked my 88-year-old dad what he thinks it will be like for him when he finally puts his car keys aside. “Horrible,” he said without a moment’s hesitation.

This began a pretty uncomfortable conversation between us. But it was made easier because we spoke honestly, respectfully and even a bit humorously about the likelihood that one day he would need to stop driving.

“Dad, what do you think you would do about groceries if you weren’t driving?”

“Well, I guess you’ll just have to drive from Sandpoint to Coeur d’Alene every other day to help me get groceries.” (Exaggeration can be a helpful shock absorber for dealing with new realities.)

Respect your parents/children enough to address safety concerns before those issues become emergency realities.