Bipolar on meds can hold job

Dear Annie: My husband and I have been together for 20 years. When I was 26, I was hospitalized due to mental illness. After two more hospitalizations and the birth of our third child, I was finally diagnosed as bipolar/attention deficit disorder. I haven’t worked at a serious job outside the house since. That was 11 years ago.

I understand my husband is tired of being the only breadwinner in the family and he particularly misses the medical benefits I used to get through my old job, but I don’t feel competent to do that kind of work anymore. It is a struggle to get through the day and take care of the most mundane things. My short-term memory is shot and I suffer frequent bouts of depression. The medication and therapy help, but only to function. Hubby is convinced I could get a regular job if I wanted to.

What I fear most about getting a job that would challenge me is that I’ll have to use lots of memory in order to handle all the details. This often stirs up unrelated and distressing memories and ways of thinking, both directly related to my mental illness. My husband doesn’t seriously consider my fear of being hospitalized again. Plus, two of our three kids are special needs and they need me more than we need another paycheck. I’ve asked my husband to come with me to therapy so we can discuss this, but he’s so certain we can solve all our financial worries if I get a job that he doesn’t want to hear anything else.

I’ve been as reasonable as I know how to be and his inability to listen is starting to stress me out. I’m trying to find a way to explain what I’m going through so he will understand. What can I do? – Crazy, Not Stupid

Dear Not Stupid: Your husband should not be pressuring you to get a job, especially if your paycheck would be eaten up by hiring care for your children. But you also seem afraid to get a job. Many bipolar people manage quite well when they are on medication and getting therapy, as you are. And you certainly don’t have to rejoin the workforce by returning to your old position, which could be stressful.

Tell your husband you will consider a job if he will come with you to your therapist so both of you can discuss your needs and fears. And stop referring to yourself as “crazy.” You are not. You have an illness, and you are treating it. How we label ourselves has a great deal to do with our self-esteem, and you may be contributing to your anxiety by believing such labels.