With coaching, autistic son can build social skills

Dear Annie: I am a 60-year-old widow with a 30-year-old son who is mildly autistic, but lives in his own apartment and has a job. “Dean” has no friends, but seems to be happy with his computer and some other hobbies. He is often at my house and eats supper here many times during the week.

I sometimes wonder if, by tolerating this situation, I am keeping Dean from making friends. When he was at school, he was often shunned and bullied because of his eccentricities. He is a pleasure to be around, very intelligent, and I don’t mind him being here. Should I suggest he come less frequently? How do I do this without seeming to reject him? I worry about when I am no longer around. – Mother in Edmonton

Dear Mother: Please don’t suggest he come less frequently. Your home is a safe and loving environment. We spoke to staff at the Autism Society of America (autism-society.org) and this is what they said:

As much as we would like to be here forever to care for our children, we have to help them grow and expand their support networks. You can help him now by creating opportunities to build social skills and become less dependent on you, yet also supporting him when things don’t work out. Joining groups like MAAP Services for Autism and Asperger Syndrome (maapservices.org) and GRASP, the Global and Regional Asperger Syndrome Partnership (grasp.org), can be a great way for him to meet people and not have to fear being shunned. There also are online groups and community-based clubs that provide opportunities to interact with like-minded people. Provide concrete information about the good points of friendships to Dean, how to meet people and strike up a conversation, and reassure him about why people would like to have him as a friend. As you said, he’s a pleasure.

Dear Annie: I read the letter from “This Violet Is Blue,” who has been married to her husband for 20 years, but he still plans to be buried next to his first wife. It’s a very interesting problem that is becoming more common.

As a former provider of funeral services, I encountered this situation and came up with a viable solution. When her husband dies, he can be cremated, and half the ashes can be buried with his first wife, and the other half with “Violet.” It’s a good compromise, and everyone can be satisfied with the results. – Kelowna, B.C.

Dear Kelowna: Many thanks for one possible resolution to a tricky problem.