Brace for cheers if ‘went missing’ ever disappears

A few weeks ago, in fulfilling my capacity as Official Defender of the English Language, I was reminded of one thing: Everybody’s an Official Defender of the English Language.

Dozens of readers wrote in to tell me about the phrases that set their own teeth on edge, the all-time champion being: “Went missing.”

I swear, every other letter or phone call was a tirade against the use of “went missing.”

“Where did that ‘went’ come from?” readers demanded.

Good question. Would anybody say:

“ Went sick?

“ Went unhappy?

“ Went dead?

As it turns out, that “went” came from Britain. “Went missing” has long been a common phrase in Britain and Canada, and in recent years it has shown up more and more often in America. It pops up especially often in journalism, where writers use it as a concise way of explaining when a missing person disappeared, as in, “He went missing on Friday after taking a hike in the woods.”

But it clearly clangs on the ears of Americans. Readers wanted to know why anyone wouldn’t merely say, “He disappeared on Friday.”

Well, not to defend the British or anything – those people act like they invented English – but I can almost see the rationale behind “went missing” over “disappeared.” “Disappeared” might, in some isolated circumstances, be misleading, as in the following sentence, “Magician David Copperfield disappeared Friday.”

Also, “went” is often acceptable in similar circumstances:

“Went crazy.

“Went swimming.

“Went ballistic over “went missing.”

Nevertheless, I have to agree with my readers. We can’t adopt every British-ism, or else we’ll be saying things like, “Manchester United were defeated, one-nil.”

I am tempted to say, “Let’s move on,” but that’s another phrase readers said they never wanted to hear again.

Instead, let us proceed – to a few other words and phrases that get on people’s nerves:

“ “To die for” – If used in conjunction with “freedom” or “justice”? Maybe. In conjunction with dessert? Not quite. May it rest in peace.

“ “Having said that” – A phrase that conveys the vital information that you just said something.

“ “He has got,” as in, “He has got no clue” – Please, that “got” needs to git. (Addendum: “He gots no clue” ain’t so elegant either.)

“ “Affordable,” instead of cheap or inexpensive – Beloved of ad copywriters everywhere, as in, “Marmot Woode Estates, affordable lots beginning in the low $800k range.”

“ “Most unique” – Unique is unique, period. As every freshman English student should know, nothing can be “most unique,” “extremely unique,” “less unique” or “frickin’ unique.”

“ “Up” instead of raise – As in, “The city plans to up its parking meter rates.” The only way I can explain how wrong this is to offer the logical opposite: “The city plans to down its parking meter rates.” (A hypothetical situation that would never happen in the real world.)

Or how about, “The city council, after considerable discussion, decided to merely sideways the parking meter rates.”

Let me leave you with the following thought: We should all do our best to improve, elevate and raise our use of language. Don’t, I beg of you, merely “up” yours.