Mind your manners: There’s really no excuse for poor etiquette

You’re meeting your boyfriend’s parents for the first time over the holidays and you want to make a good impression.

Or maybe you’re attending your end-of-the-year office party for the first time since the ‘90s.

Your hair, nails and dress are picture-perfect. But how much thought have you given to manners and proper place settings?

Do you know on which side the bread plate sits? (The left.)

Where should you place your knife and fork between bites at a meal? (Not on the table.)

Then there’s knowing how to get a conversation going, making introductions properly and much more. And heaven help you if you’re a host.

It would show extremely poor manners to reject an invitation simply because you’re not sure how to behave. Relax, there’s help out there.

Tish Spaulding, an etiquette specialist for 15 years and owner of Spaulding Protocol in Birmingham, Ala., says good manners aren’t just for formal parties. They are also important at home, in the boardroom and at play. She’s seen it all, from elbows on the table during dinner to failing to look professional at a corporate party.

She and etiquette consultant Patricia Wehner offer the following tips to help make your holidays a little more polished.

Introductions

If you don’t remember a person’s name, it’s perfectly all right to say, “I’m sorry, I can’t recall your name right now.” Or, “I remember you but I can’t recall your name.” Once they give you their name, use it frequently in the conversation.

Think about introductions well before you make them. Always use your first and last name when introducing yourself to someone else. Never introduce yourself with an honorific as “Mr.” John Smith or “Mrs.” Sara Smith.

Look at each person as you say his or her name during an introduction. Avoid making a lot of hand gestures when talking.

Maintain eye contact when you talk to people. It gives an impression of confidence and a sign of respect.

Give a firm handshake, but not a bone crusher. Shaking hands easily and often shows you are friendly.

Give one or two pumps when shaking hands and let go. Don’t hang on forever.

Read up on foreign customs if people of other nationalities will be in attendance. Be aware their handshakes and eye contact might be different.

Don’t slap someone on the back after shaking hands.

Table manners

Enter your chair from the left side. Pass items to your right when seated at the table.

Don’t raise your pinkie when drinking out of a tea cup. It looks awkward and pretentious.

Always keep your butter spreader on the bread and butter plate when you’re not using it.

When eating bread from your bread and butter plate, tear off a little piece with your fingers and butter it while the piece is over the plate. Never butter a piece while holding it mid-air. Eat one piece of torn bread at a time.

Break a cracker in two before you eat it.

Cut meat, fish, etc., one piece at a time when eating. Don’t cut up everything at once.

When eating pasta, don’t cut it up. Wind a few strands around the fork’s tines.

When eating American style, the knife is in your right hand and the fork is in your left hand to cut food. When you are finished cutting a piece of meat, put down the knife and move the fork to the right hand so you can eat. (It’s OK to reverse the process if you are left-handed.)

Never leave the spoon sticking up from a bowl of soup or coffee cup. Put the spoon on the saucer.

Spoon soup away from you and do not blow on it to cool it.

Don’t put your purse on the table. It should go on your lap or the floor.

When you have a printed program at the table, put it underneath your chair or underneath the plate when you’re not using it.

If you need to excuse yourself from the table to go to the restroom, simply say, “Please excuse me.” It’s not necessary to tell people where you’re going.

Don’t gesture with your silverware.

Place settings

While eating, don’t rest your silverware on the charger. Put it on the plate.

Remember that the bread plate is on the left side of the dinner plate.

Forks are placed on the left, and knives and spoons are placed on the right. Drinking glasses are placed on the top right, just above the knife and spoon.

The knife’s blade faces the plate.

Wait staff

Don’t turn over your wine glass or coffee cup early on to indicate you don’t want the beverage. Just cover the glass or cup with your fingertips, and tell the server, “No thank you.”

A well-trained wait staff serves from the left and removes from the right.

Address the waiter or waitress as a waiter or waitress, or ma’am or sir. Don’t snap your fingers. If the servers tell you his or her first name, it’s OK to use that.

Even if someone on the wait staff is a good friend, keep the conversation food-related or professional. Don’t talk about the latest movie you saw.

Don’t raise your glass for the server to pour wine or water into it. Leave the glasses on the table and let the server pour the beverage without your assistance.

Let the server remove your plate or glass from the table. Don’t hand the dishes to them.

Any time you drop silverware on the floor, leave it. Then quietly signal the wait staff to bring another piece.

Napkins

If you arrive at the table first, wait until others arrive before you remove your napkin. The host or hostess should be the first to unfold and place the napkin on the lap.

In upscale restaurants, pause just a minute after being seated to see if the wait staff will unfold the napkin for you.

When you are finished with a meal, put your napkin to the left of the plate, loosely folded.

If you spill something on someone, hand that person your napkin. Don’t try to mop him or her up using yours.

When leaving the table during dinner, put your napkin in your seat. Pick it up when you return.

Be respectful of your host’s linen napkins. Don’t smear them with lipstick or red wine.

Don’t use your napkin to blow your nose. Actually, nose blowing should be done away from the table.

Conversations

A good opener for a conversation is to ask a question. “How are you related to the bride?” “Do you play tennis?” Introduce yourself first, and then ask the question.

Eliminate slang from your vocabulary, including “yeah,” “OK” and “okey-dokey.”

Beware of intrusive phrases such as: “You know,” “Are you with me on that?” and “You know what I mean?”

Avoid cliches like “Have a nice day.” Instead, be creative and say, “I hope your day goes well.”

Don’t be rude if the person you are talking to at a party is a bore. Faking it shows. Instead, bring in a third person and say something like: “Patricia, have you met Tom Brown?” Or suggest that you all go to the buffet table. Be ready when someone gives you an exit line.

The hostess

Don’t put “Regrets only” on an invitation because you’ll never really know how many guests are coming. Instead, put “Please reply” or R.S.V.P., which is French for “please reply.”

Guests need to respond “yes” or “no” as soon as possible to an invitation, even if the invite is via e-mail. It shows respect and good manners to respond.

It’s the duty of the host or hostess to keep the conversation going.

If you are going to pay for invited guests during a meal at a restaurant, let the wait staff know you are the host, that you are going to pay for everyone and to give the check to you.

You never want to be the first or the last one to finish. If you see a slow eater at your table, pace yourself so you can keep up with them.

Business cards

Give a business card only if requested. That gives the card value instead of you handing them out to everyone like fliers.

Present a card with the print facing the recipient so the person doesn’t have to turn around the card.

Don’t give out soiled, out-of-date or defective cards. Remember that the cards are an extension of you.

Don’t fumble around the bottom of your purse or pocket looking for a card. If you know you might be distributing them at an event, carry them in a card case that’s in an easily accessible spot. Exterior purse pockets and suit pockets are good storage places.

In order to be remembered from an event, send a note and your card to the person or people you met.

It’s not respectful to slide a card across a table to someone. It’s better to hand the card to the person.

Separate the cards you receive and the ones you give to avoid any mix-ups during the evening.

If you deal with a lot of clients from other countries, have a translation of your card on the back.

When you receive a business card, don’t just put it in your pocket or purse. Look at it. Also, don’t write notes on a card in front of the person who just gave it to you. It’s like defacing their name.

Never produce a card during a private luncheon or dinner where you can risk the host seeing the exchange. You’ll appear to be taking advantage of the host.