Carolyn Hax: Define terms; stand by them

Dear Carolyn: My boyfriend hates my best friend, and I’m stuck in the middle. She has always been known for being a little bossy and opinionated, and he for being sensitive and overreacting. She and I were roommates until I moved out a few months ago to live with the boyfriend in another state. She didn’t want me to leave and was pretty cold about it – I get the feeling she likes to be the friend who has life figured out, with me as the friend who listens to her sage advice. But I’m really happy with my life now, and I don’t really need her advice, especially if it is condescending.

She just left after a weekend visit, and I haven’t stopped hearing about how much he hates her! She was probably a little irritating, but I don’t like confrontation so I didn’t say anything to her. I also can’t really think of specific things she did wrong. I got tired of her attitude and even more tired of hearing about it from him. When do I have to step in? – Best Friend vs. Boyfriend

To say what? To which one?

You present one way of looking at it: Strong-willed friend irritates sensitive boyfriend, clashing ensues.

Here’s another way: Nonconfrontational woman is naturally drawn to people with dominant personalities, and when two of them meet, clashing ensues.

Getting stuck in the middle isn’t unique to passive people, but it is their particular plague. I’d venture you’ve been here before, though maybe not with these stakes.

Even if I’m wrong, you will be here again if you don’t step back far enough to see this isn’t a matter of telling your best friend to back off. “She was probably a little irritating” – your words, my emphasis. Do you really want to become your boyfriend’s messenger every time someone in your camp rubs him the wrong way?

The time to step in is now, and the person to side with is you. Make your own judgments about who did what to whom, and why, and how upset you are about it, and what outcome you’d most like to see. Take a position accordingly.

It’s something you don’t like to do, I get it, as do most people, since conflict-avoidance is the emotional common cold. Just know, though, that people who don’t assert themselves are essentially agreeing to live life on the terms of those around them who do. If you don’t like it, then maybe it’s time to find out why you’re averse to speaking up, and what you can do to address it.