The Slice : All they ask is for a little room to roam

Before habitat elimination and other human-caused factors drive the last grizzly bears out of the Inland Northwest, The Slice wanted to see what wisdom could be gleaned from this noble animal.

So, unbelievably, an e-mail interview was arranged with an adult spokesbear named Theo. A transcript follows.

Q: What is the secret to getting in touch with your inner grizzly?

A: I think the key is knowing when it’s time to stop growling and start biting.

Q: Can anyone hibernate, or do you need to be a bear?

A: It depends a lot on your work schedule, car pool commitments and ability to store urine. Also, you need to avoid caffeine all fall.

Q: Grizzlies in our area don’t tend to be huge. Why is that?

A: Finding food is a bit more of a challenge for us than for our cousins in Alaska. We can’t just waddle out into a salmon stream, open our mouths and wait for a big, fat fish to jump in.

Q: Your ears sure are cute.

A: They have evolved over the eons to detect the sound of meat.

Q: What do you think of The Spokesman-Review?

A: I miss “The Far Side.” That Gary Larson cracked me up. Remember the one with the rotund bear who had a “deer gut”? Ahahahahahaha. Besides that, I’d just say you guys could be a tad more skeptical regarding the promises developers make about protecting the environment.

Q: Do grizzlies get into genealogy?

A: Yes. And it turns out every one of us claims to be directly related to the bears who scared the pemmican out of Lewis and Clark.

Q: Does any animal have a scientific name better than Ursus arctos horribilis?

A: Well, I’ve always liked Corvus corax – that’s “raven” to you. But, to answer your question, no.

Q: Is it true that grizzlies fear nothing?

A: Well, mostly. But I don’t know anyone who likes getting an MRI.

Q: Is there a grizzly bear equivalent of office politics?

A: Well, there’s such a thing as a bluff charge. But, no, not really. When we maul, we pretty much always do it snout-to-snout.

Q: Should grizzlies be on the endangered list or off it?

A: What we need is room to roam and to be left alone. But you two-leggers think you own the world.

Q: Has grizzly-style parenting changed much over the years?

A: No. We listen to our mothers. Or else. Self-esteem is not a big problem for us.

Q: Thanks for your time. Have a good winter’s sleep.

A: Sure. And, say, if you think of it, give me a wake-up call in about three months.

“Today’s Slice question: What local headline would you like to see next year?