Annie’s Mailbox: Refuse to join in backbiting

Dear Annie: I have two sons – “Roger,” who is married with three young children, and “Max,” who has a baby. Max isn’t married to the mother yet, but they live together and will be getting married soon. I consider her his wife. I love both the girls with all my heart.

The problem is, they are jealous of each other. They constantly claim that I favor one or the other and that I love “the other one’s” kids more. I find this really annoying, and it also makes me very sad, because I love all four of my grandchildren equally and try to treat them the same. Roger’s wife does not have any other family here, and Max’s girlfriend was born and raised in this town, so she has a great support team. I probably spend a bit more time with Roger’s kids, simply because their mother needs my help more often.

I am at the point now where I am afraid to even visit or call either of them for fear the other will get angry. – Mom in the Middle

Dear Mom in the Middle: These girls are using you to cement their position in the family. If you are truly making every effort to treat them equally, don’t get into lengthy arguments defending yourself. Unless their complaints have merit, ignore them. Be polite, calm and kind at all times, and smile and change the subject when necessary. When they see you will not jump through hoops and they can’t play you against each other, they will stop.

Dear Annie: I’m a 54-year-old divorced woman. A year ago, I met a very nice older man at a dance, and we started dating. I thought 64 was too old for me, but I convinced myself that 10 years was not such a big deal. In three months, we were engaged. Two months later, he told me that he is really 20 years my senior.

This came as a shock, and I don’t know what to do because I love him. Since we’ve been together, things have been good, but I have started to notice signs of age, including memory loss, forgetfulness and physical problems.

I’m taking care of my 84-year-old failing father right now and am terrified of becoming a caregiver for another old man in a few years. – Conflicted in Massachusetts

Dear Conflicted: You have no way of knowing what your life will be like in the future, just as there are no guarantees that a younger man wouldn’t become ill and require care. You are smart to recognize the problem, but the answer depends on how much you love him. Marriage vows are “in sickness and in health,” regardless of age. If you would resent becoming his caregiver should the need arise, it would be a kindness to break it off.