Carolyn Hax : Best times can begin from worst

Carolyn: How do I tell myself that taking personal space and moving out from living with my girlfriend isn’t the beginning of the end? How do we keep this from being huge and heavy and hurtful, and realize that it’s so we can make it work? – Washington

1. Realize that “make it work” doesn’t necessarily mean getting back together. It means you find a solution that gives you both your best chance to be happy – which could be together or apart.

2. Realize huge, heavy and hurtful isn’t always a bad thing. Ask people whose best times began during their worst – and indulge them when they answer you, even though you won’t really want to hear what they’re saying till you’ve figured it out for yourself.

3. Realize that while deliberately causing pain is cruel, deliberately avoiding it can produce the same result. Don’t try to get by on painkillers with an injury that requires surgery.

You already know you’re not afraid to think, say and do difficult things, because you had the guts to move out. Now’s not the time to flinch.

Carolyn: I got engaged last year to “Lynn,” and we were completely happy until one night a party went bad, and alcohol and chemistry led my fiancee to cheat on me with someone she works with. At first I accepted that things happen. Then I began to get confused.

I told my girl I was not happy with their hanging out together any more. She said she needed friends, it was a mistake, “please trust me.” So I did. She is still friends with him, and they hang out once in a while, to this day. I am thinking I should tell her to pick him or me, but that feels wrong. I know the value of friendship. But I also don’t want my heart trampled again. – Frozen in Minnesota

You’ve set your own pain aside, twice – out of respect not just for her friendship with this guy, but also for your friendship with her. So, yes, I’d say you do know the value of friendship.

The question is, does she?

Whom she befriends, where you draw lines and whether and what to forgive – these are all details only you and Lynn can work out. Name any arrangement, and you’ll find at least one couple who’s made it work. That’s why no one can tell you that giving this friendship your blessing is right, wrong, heroic, chumpy or nuts. Or all five.

The issue is whether you can trust her to care how you feel. You got engaged – that means you both volunteered to watch out for each other through life. Please watch closely how she treats you, and ask yourself if you’re taking care of each other in this relationship, or if you’re both taking care of her. That’s what you trust. Sometimes the problem isn’t the sacrifice you’re making; it’s that you were ever asked to make it.