Slouch has too much time on his hands

I have now witnessed Super Bowls I to XLI – tying the world record set by Steve Sabol, Homer Simpson and 792,481 other overachieving Americans – and I can tell you I never get tired of watching the crass, bloated celebration of this nation’s capitalistic excesses. And, between commercials, the game is also fun.

Anyway, I always take notes:

11:02 a.m. PT: CBS’s James Brown tells us “weather is foremost” in everyone’s minds. In Miami? If that’s the case, move the game to Buffalo and play REAL CHAMPIONSHIP FOOTBALL.

11:05: Steve Tasker reports that Colts players will eat “a light meal” during the lengthy halftime. This is news? I do that every year.

12:06 p.m.: Following my suggestion finally, CBS has Norman Esiason passing out bad pizzas to the pregame crowd.

12:36: Frankly, I think the GEICO caveman is smart enough to coach in the NFC West.

12:52: Stevie Nicks performs “Stand Back,” her hit song from 24 years ago. The band looks like it just walked out of a head shop en route to a Braniff flight.

1:58: If CBS has any more technical difficulties, I might have to watch the game on Westwood One Radio.

2:03: At my MLS Cup party last year, we had a drinking game involving corner kicks, and, well, we ran out of Ripple.

2:47: Cirque du Soleil takes the field for eight minutes. They remind me of the Bears offense – a bunch of odd folks running around and jumping around, nowhere near the end zone.

3:24: If Martians gazed down on Earth at the precise moment of the Super Bowl coin toss, they’d wonder how we even manage to put our pants on one leg at a time.

3:26: Because of nerves in big games, Phil Simms says, “it’s always better to start on defense…maybe it’s a blessing for the Colts they lost the coin toss.”

3:27: Bears’ Devon Hester returns opening kickoff 92 yards for a touchdown. I don’t think losing the coin toss was such a blessing for the Colts.

3:27:15: Plus, I’ll say this – I start on defense every time I get married and I never win.

4:31: Man, it’s raining hard down there. And, to think, I was recently laughed out of a CBS production meeting when I suggested windshield wipers for its cameras.

4:44: An NFL investigator storms my home but is disappointed to find I’m watching alone again, naturally, on a 19-inch TV screen.

4:59: “Don’t miss the premiere of ‘Survivor Fuji,’ CBS Thursday!” Uh, I will.

5:06: I hate to nitpick, but Prince might’ve been a nice halftime choice if it were, like, 1999.

5:15: Prince doesn’t split his pants anymore on stage – maybe Jerry Van Dyke threatened legal action.

5:20: You can take the Bears out of the NFC, but you can’t take the NFC out of the Bears. Trust me – the AFC is much, much better, and this game should already be over.

5:34: Sure, when Rex Grossman throws a pass, I expect it to hit the ground, just as when Isaac Newton saw an apple fall from a tree, he expected it to hit the ground.

5:46: Grossman under center is looking like some sort of carnival concession.

6:23: This baby is 22-17 in the fourth quarter and it should be, like, 44-7. The Bears are luckier than Donald Trump in bankruptcy court.

6:30: Grossman finally completes enough passes to the Colts to end matters correctly.

6:32: I’m telling you, I predicted the Colts to win, 73-0, and, spiritually, I wasn’t that far off.

6:57: If Tank Johnson had gone to Disney World, I guess it would’ve been pending court approval.

6:58: Peyton Manning’s not going to Disney World, either – he’s got six commercials to shoot.

Ask The Slouch

Q. Now that we finally had a Super Bowl coached by two African-Americans, when can we expect the big game to be headed up by two guys from Kazakhstan? (Jim O’Brien; Racine, Wis.)

A. America is all about opportunity, no matter how many centuries it takes.

Q. So when exactly should we expect Brett Favre to retire? (Frank McGrath; Garfield Heights, Ohio)

A. My Uncle Sly kept working for the Department of Water and Power for nearly three years after he passed away.

Q. What, if any, standards should sportswriters be held to? (Jim Spence; Waldorf, Md.)

A. At a bare minimum, we should wear matching socks.

Q. If your ex-wives were to collaborate on a tell-all book about The Slouch, what would the title be? (Tony Paladino; Oak Creek, Wis.)

A. “It Seemed Like a Good Idea at the Time.”

Q. Now that Michelle Wie is going to Stanford, what fraternity will she try to join? (Steve Dunn; Humble, Tex.)

A. Pay the man, Shirley.