Annie’s Mailbox : Son needs his brother to make amends

Dear Annie: I have never seen you address adult children abandoning their parents.

Our son, “Jay,” with no warning, confronted my husband and me about resentments that had been building for years. We had simply attributed his sudden remoteness to the fact that he worked six days a week and lived several hundred miles away. We were blown away by his comments. What’s worse is that after we talked, he came back a month later and confided that the real source of his complaints was that his older brother had abused him in childhood.

This was the most devastating news anyone could hear. I have literally lost weight over it. The fact that his older brother is a cancer survivor did nothing to mitigate Jay’s resentment. Jay refuses to talk to his brother or respond to our many attempts to contact him. He even ignored his own grandmother’s funeral last summer.

What really galls me is that we are the kind of family that often spoke of love and sincerity. We settled disputes fairly. The kids had a wonderful upbringing. I cannot fathom how Jay’s counselor could recommend that he throw this firebomb and then drive away. How on earth can a counselor advise a client to follow a path that surely will split a family? How can we mend our broken hearts and bond the two brothers again? – Lost and Bereaved in Connecticut

Dear Lost and Bereaved: We know this is difficult, but we’d worry less about bonding the two brothers and more about Jay’s healing. He was abused. He needs his brother to make amends for doing it and his parents for not protecting him, whether or not you were consciously aware of the abuse. No reconciliation can take place until those things happen. If Jay won’t allow contact, you should seek family counseling and find out what steps will help you achieve some measure of peace.

Dear Annie: I have a problem with my sister, “Jo.” She wants to date my ex-boyfriend, “Roger,” whom I dated 15 years ago. I’m not comfortable with this and told her so. I still have a soft spot in my heart for him and always will.

I’ve been married for 12 years. Jo says I am being ridiculous and need to get over it. Should I let her date him, or should I set my foot down? – Sally

Dear Sally: There’s no foot to put down. It’s Jo’s decision whether or not to date Roger, not yours, although she should understand that such a choice may estrange her from you, and we don’t recommend it. However, we do agree with Jo that it’s time you got over it, as you’re happily married.