Spend Valentine’s in Victoria

It’s too late. I can’t help you.

Valentine’s Day is bearing down on you like a freight train, and if you haven’t made any appropriately romantic arrangements, you will simply have to reap the whirlwind.

I’ve seen men like you. I used to work at the Nordstrom lingerie department, and there was always a sheepish herd of you, bumbling in all glassy-eyed at closing time, with no idea of your wives and girlfriends’ sizes.

There’s only one thing left for you to do. Flee. To Canada.

Happily, Victoria, B.C., stands ready to welcome you with a number of diversions you can use to distract yourself from your sorry state.

It starts next Sunday, when the city’s Chinatown – Canada’s oldest – welcomes in the Year of the Boar.

That seems fitting.

The Gates of Harmonious Interest give way to the annual Chinese Lion Dance, wherein the lion leads musicians and Chinese elders past Chinatown’s storefronts, collecting offerings of fruit, tea, lycee and other goodies along the way.

While no longer a home to the gambling halls and opium dens of days gone by, the neighborhood does house a mix of Asian markets, diners and Tam Kung, Canada’s oldest Chinese temple. The Hidden Dragon Walking Lantern Tour will give you the historical and cultural lowdown, as well as a selection of Chinese food and beverages.

Learn more at www.oldchinatown.com or (866) 920-0881.

If you’re in enough trouble back home to extend your stay, the Dine Around, Stay in Town program will keep you housed and fed at special prices through March 4.

Participating restaurants – almost 60 in all – will serve up three-course menus for $15, $25 or $35 Canadian per person, presumably depending on how fancy you are. Meals showcase Vancouver Island specialties like fresh seafood, pasture-raised meats, artisan cheeses and wild foods from the forest.

Twenty-five hotels are in on the scheme, too, and they’re offering accommodations at “feature rates” of $69, $79, $99 and $129 Canadian.

Details are at www.tourismvictoria.com/ dinearound or (800) 663-3883.

Should your doghouse sentence extend still further, maybe the Victoria Tea Festival will take the sting out. The one-day event, on March 11, will prepare teas from all around the world for your tasting pleasure.

If you need a little remedial help, presentations like Cooking with Tea, The Old Tea Peddler and Elixir of Immortality will get you up to speed so you can dazzle all your friends with your newfound expertise. You’ll also pick up tips on tea steeping and serving, tea history and the health benefits of tea.

Purchase the $45 Canadian tickets by calling (250) 370-4880. There’s additional information at www.victoriateafestival.com.

I can offer you one last bit of amusement with the sixth annual Victoria Wine Festival, March 14 and 15. According to organizers, this year’s theme, “Defining the Vine,” allows you to “learn more about the delicate art of fine winemaking directly from the winemakers themselves.”

The event’s big showcase, an international public tasting on the 14th, assembles artisan breads, cheeses, and wines from more than 100 wineries. The festival also includes seminars, winemaker dinners and a late-night event of pinot noir and acoustic guitar.

Ticket prices vary; you’ll find a list on www.victoriafestival ofwine.com. Call (250) 995-2665 to order.

Then grab a dozen roses, go home and take your lumps.

Love stories

Let’s keep the romance alive with “The Ocean Lodge Romance Writer’s Weekend,” Feb. 23-25 in Cannon Beach, Ore.

Susan Wiggs, author of “The Mistress,” “Passing Through Paradise” and “Husband for Hire,” will be on hand to tell you how she works, give you tips on writing and getting your writing noticed, and sign complimentary copies of her latest, “The Winter Lodge.”

I’m not familiar with Wiggs’ work – I have enough romance in my life with a husband who bought me tire chains for Christmas, thank you – but she seems to know her stuff. There are a bazillion books listed on her Web site and she’s received two RITA awards conferred by the Romance Writers of America.

So go sit at the feet of the master during a wine reception on Friday and Saturday’s two-hour workshop, “Writing 101.” Saturday evening, you’ll share what organizers call “an intimate dinner” with Wiggs and your fellow inkslingers.

The whole extravaganza will set you back $429, which includes two nights’ accommodation in a deluxe room, the reception, workshop, breakfast each morning, a three-course dinner and your signed copy of Wiggs’ book.

Visit www.theocean lodge.com or call (888) 777-4047 to find out more.

Regional events

•Tenth Annual Fisher Poets Gathering, Feb. 23-25, Astoria, Ore. Organizers promise “humor, rowdy songs, crafted free verse, rhyming couplets and touching personal accounts” from more than 50 writers, musicians and artists. ( www.clatsopcollege.com/ fisherpoets/503-325-6311)

•Winter Carnival, Feb. 23-25, Red Lodge, Mont. Here’s what you’re in for: the Cardboard Classic, parade, fat tire mountain bike race, King and Queen of the Mountain Race, jalapeño eating contest, fireworks and more. ( www.visitmt.com/ 800-444-8977)