Have that talk about priorities

Carolyn: My wedding is coming up, and a bunch of my fiance’s relatives want to stay at our house when they come for the wedding. Is it irrational for me to not want them to stay at our house? Fiance thinks it is selfish; I think I am trying to preserve my sanity. – Va.

Advice columnist thinks your marriage depends on your solving this.

His response to your expressed need for calm and privacy is to question your character. Wow. Before you solemnly swear anything, you and he need to confer on your priorities in this marriage.

At first glance, it’s easy to say he has one view of family and you have another, and so you both need to come to a compromise.

Don’t make that mistake. Look a little more closely, and you’ll see: His relatives expressed a desire, you’ve expressed an emotional need, and he’s going with the relatives. No matter how long “till death do you part” turns out to be, a spouse who doesn’t recognize, respect and tend to your needs will make it feel eternal. And uphill.

Some, possibly he, will argue the freedom to open his home to relatives – with his wife at his side – represents for him an emotional need as well. It’s a legitimate point.

And, it’s a need he can satisfy just fine, over the course of his life and your marriage, without taxing you on this particular weekend. It’s one he can satisfy 8, 9, even 10 out of 10 times people visit, while still being thoughtful to you, just by leaving you room to say no when you aren’t in the mood.

It’s one he should satisfy by marrying someone more compatible, if it means the world to him and guilt-induced compliance from you.

It’s also a point he easily could have made and invited you to discuss with him, without whipping the S-word at you.

Resolving two different needs ultimately isn’t about assigning blame; it’s about defining self, learning other, and finding what you both can live with. Have that talk. Bend where you want, but stay put where you must. It’s always tempting, and always short-sighted, to sell yourself out just to buy some prenuptial peace.