Forgiveness, fidelity, time can rebuild trust

Dear Annie: I’ve been married for 10 years and have two young children. This past summer, at a party where there was heavy drinking, I caught my wife kissing a married man who I thought was a friend.

We got into a big fight over this. I swallowed my pride and told my wife how much she meant to me. She and I went to counseling and I talked with my pastor, and things seem to be getting better. My wife admitted she has been unhappy for a while and said I wasn’t attentive or affectionate enough. I attribute this to a stressful job, young children and the fact that I grew up in an unaffectionate household.

My wife and this man swore to me nothing sexual happened. The problem now is how to get the image of her kissing him out of my head, not to mention the thought that she has feelings for this man.

I feel guilty for this mess. I wasn’t giving her what she needed because I took our marriage for granted. I don’t want to break up our family. Annie, will I be able to forgive and forget? Can I ever trust her again? – Heart Broken in Ohio

Dear Broken: Trusting your wife requires three things – her complete fidelity and honesty, your ability to forgive with your whole heart, and lots of time. So far, you are doing everything right – you are in counseling and making the necessary changes to your marriage, and we trust your wife is learning how to better communicate her needs and strengthen her commitment to you.

It may help to remember that heavy drinking lowers inhibitions. Your wife may not have any feelings for the other man, and turned to him solely because he was attentive and affectionate at the time. You are now filling that void, and she has no reason to look at him again.

Dear Annie: I have yet to meet anyone who appreciates someone making a charitable contribution to an organization as a gift. This is an easy way to avoid finding the right present. The givers also get to give a donation to the organization of their choice. If they want to donate, fine, but they should do so in their own name.

If you can’t think of something thoughtful to give, there is always a gift certificate, homemade goodies, a paid subscription to the local newspaper, stamps, or a full-service car wash. – Gifting Dilemma

Dear Gifting: You weren’t the only one to let us know they don’t care for charitable contributions as gifts. We appreciate the suggested alternatives.