Presidents’ veto

At the risk of sounding like a Presidents’ Day Scrooge, I can’t resist pointing out something. Neither George Washington nor Abraham Lincoln ever set foot in the Northwest. Not even close. Sure, both were monumental leaders. They deserve to be revered. And I’m all for noting their actual birthdays. (Lincoln’s was Feb. 12, Washington’s is Thursday.) But as special occasions go, Monday’s hybrid holiday sort of feels like a nonbinding resolution. Um, what’s the point? Presidents’ Day? Does that include Richard Nixon and Andrew Johnson? Perhaps there are other celebrations that might resonate with more oomph in our region. I have a few proposals.

Mount St. Helens Day

Each May 18, residents of the Northwest could pause to recall the big blast. There could be small-town parades, “Blow Your Top” sales, air-quality symposia and volcanic beer-drinking contests featuring festive gray microbrews.

Pendleton Shirts Day

Everyone could proudly wear plaid, but the mail would still be delivered. There could be lots of hand-shaking, scratching and saying, “Yep.”

Chief Joseph Day

Celebrated on the Wednesday before Thanksgiving, perhaps this could be an occasion for some honest dialogue about how the West (and the rest of the country) was won, and lost.

Joe Schultz Day

Recognizing the foul-mouthed manager of the remarkably inept 1969 Seattle Pilots. Men who as boys read Jim Bouton’s tell-all “Ball Four” could spend the day exchanging Schultzisms (printable and unprintable) and then go out and pound some Bud.

“Animal House” Day

Saluting the filmed-in-Oregon 1978 comedy classic, this special day could include food fights, road trips, toga parties and lots of pinch-faced women snarling, “That boy is a P-I-G pig!” During this 24-hour period, everybody would be an honorary Delta and all of us would be on double secret probation.

Worlds’ Fairs Day

Anyone who attended either the 1962 fair in Seattle or Expo ‘74 here in Spokane could lord it over those who didn’t. Radio stations could play songs from those two years. Speakers could give talks on themes such as “The Future Used to Look Cooler” and “The ‘World of Tomorrow’ was a Crock.”

Sandals ‘n’ Socks Day

An occasion to salute the Northwest’s singular fashion sensibility.

Coffee Day

On second thought, this is already a 365-day festival.

Bing Crosby Day

Music, scholarly lectures, crooning contests, golf tournaments, film festivals, and, well, you name it. In recognition of Crosby having been a newspaper delivery boy in Spokane, the city could sponsor a competition to see who could best manage to hurl rolled papers onto a roof, behind the bushes, et cetera.

Lewis and Clark Day

Modeled on Halloween, this would call for children to dress up as explorers, Indians, Thomas Jefferson, grizzly bears and what have you. Then the kids would go door to door requesting elk or salmon.

Northwest Smugness Day

Proud residents of our region could bask in the self-affirming certainty that ours is, without a doubt, the only part of the country with impressive scenery, restaurants, cute houses, art, progressive ideas and friendly (not to mention modest) people.

B-17 Day

Recognizing Washington’s key role in the development of the rugged World War II bomber, B-17 Day would have confronting bullies as its theme.

Place Name Pronunciation Day

Face your fear. Afraid to say “Sequim,” “Wapato,” “Nespelem” or “Pend Oreille”? Uncertain about how to pronounce “Moscow” or “Kootenai”? Well, this four-star day on the calendar could have as its mission the gentle education of newcomers and of old-timers who have been mangling place names for decades.

Tree Hugging Day

Taking this dismissive label and turning it on its head, this barkfest would encourage Northwesterners to literally embrace a few trees. Kids could have contests to determine the appropriate endearments. (“Thank you, Mr. Pine”? “Happy T-H Day, Ms. Maple”?) If advanced beings on a distant planet are monitoring us and thinking of vaporizing the Earth, observing Tree Hugging Day is the sort of thing that might keep them from pulling the trigger.

Classic Occupations Day

Miners, loggers and farmers would be remembered and recognized. Soft-hands people who make a living in ways that require zero physical exertion would be encouraged to pipe down and listen.

Apple Day

In recognition of this classic symbol of Washington, residents would debate the merits of their favorite varieties. Co-workers could exchange pies. School children would sing fruity songs and design posters. And all babies born on this day would have to be named after a kind of apple. Just think. You could have twins and call them Granny Smith and Fuji.

Klondike Kate Day (Named for a storied Gold Rush figure who supposedly lived here as a kid)

A celebration of the fact that a lot of people who would one day become famous elsewhere spent part of their childhoods in Spokane. There could be a film festival featuring the work of director David Lynch, actress Hilary Swank and animator Chuck Jones. Parents could make the case for why their kids are destined for fame.

And just when the thought of talented people leaving us starts to bring on melancholia, we could all gather for a group hug and chant, “We still have each other.”