Manners grease society’s wheels

Dear Miss Manners: I was raised in a loving, generous family that I had always thought to be a nice group of people until I ventured out into the business world and began making new “sophisticated” friends.

Frequently, I seem to break the rules on manners. It’s not like I am stupid or mean; I just don’t know what the “book” says on such etiquette.

I have heard people mention about “so-and-so’s” behavior at a wedding or a fancy dinner, e.g., “I’m going to be sure I save enough money to be able to take my children out for five-course dinners so they know how to behave in that situation ….”

I thought the purpose of etiquette is to be courteous to others and make them feel comfortable, not inferior. I am not suggesting my friends are snobs, nor is anyone who follows your advice, but just because you follow all the rules on etiquette doesn’t make you a nice person and vice versa.

What is the polite thing to do when someone says or does something that breaks conventional rules of manners, but you know their intentions are innocent?

Gentle Reader: Nobody, least of all Miss Manners, will argue with your declaration that being courteous is more important than knowing how to eat a five-course meal.

The underlying purpose of manners is to enable people to get along with one another, which includes not only being nice but using civil means to settle differences and conflicts. Yet every activity has its rules.

Courtesy requires making allowances for well-intentioned mistakes. You ignore them, unless they are being committed by your own children.

Sneering at ignorance is not only rude, but dangerous, since everybody has to count on tolerance at some time.