No flame left in her marriage

Dear Annie: I am in my late 40s and have been married 28 years. Shortly after our first child was born, my husband informed me that he did not find me physically attractive. I wasn’t voluptuous enough. I have always been petite and still wear a size 4. We separated briefly, but reconciled and raised two children together.

Our marriage is agreeable enough, but there has never been a lot of passion. In 28 years, my husband has never paid me a compliment, but he often points out my deficiencies. He sleeps on the couch, and the only time we are intimate is if I initiate it. I’ve pretty much given up on sex and have tried to find fulfillment in other areas.

A couple of years ago, I became acquainted with “Wayne” through my job. We have a lot in common. Wayne is single and close to my age. He’s told me that he finds me attractive and is always complimenting me on how I look. I must admit I’ve enjoyed the attention tremendously. He recently went so far as to suggest taking the relationship further. At the time, I laughed it off, but I can’t stop thinking about being intimate with him. I know it’s wrong, but I long to be with someone who is truly attracted to me and tells me so.

My husband is comfortable in our marriage and would never agree to a divorce. He tells me he loves me and I believe him, but he loves me like a sister. I want to have one passionate moment before it is too late. Is this just menopause? What can I do to get these fantasies out of my head? – Having Hot Flashes

Dear Hot Flashes: Fantasies are normal, but when your married life is so unsatisfying, it means you are more vulnerable to an affair. The best thing would be to build a fire under your marriage, but we worry there is no flame to ignite. Your husband’s lack of interest in you is peculiar and may suggest an underlying problem. Please get counseling, with or without your husband, and see what’s going on.

Dear Annie: Can you help solve a dispute? My aunt, my father’s sister, died over a year ago. She is survived by her husband of more than 30 years. I still think of him as my uncle, even though he is not related by blood. My mother says I shouldn’t. Is it still appropriate to refer to him as my uncle? – M.H.

Dear M.H.: Absolutely. For as long as you like.