Carolyn Hax: Her guy’s mom has body issues

Dear Carolyn: I am a college junior, dating the same guy for two years. He is very into working out and lifting, and as a result there is a lot of discussion about fitness, weight and eating habits in his house.

I normally get along with his mom, but she feels the need to tell me often about how when she was in college, she was very skinny, wore a size 1 or 3 dress, and despite eating anything and everything, could not gain weight. She and I are the same height, and she weighs 5 to 10 pounds less than I do. I’m not overweight but have a curvier frame. Still, the continuous mention of how skinny she was is bringing up old insecurities I thought I had left behind with the 9th grade.

I don’t think she is intentionally trying to hurt my feelings, but it still feels like she is subconsciously trying to point out how she is better than I am. I have heard this story at least 10 times. I’ve tried talking to my boyfriend about it but he doesn’t seem to understand. He says, “Oh she hated being so skinny – she felt like guys never paid attention to her because of it.” Should I say something to her, or try to ignore it? – Annoyed

Before you decide anything, I think you need step back far enough to see not just skinny mommy, but the whole picture … back … back … back some more … that’s it.

Do you see it now? Body issues. Lots of them.

Your boyfriend’s house isn’t full of weight and fitness talk because he’s really into working out and lifting. He’s really into working out and lifting because he grew up in a home filled with talk of weight and fitness. And he doesn’t see that his mom is hung up on her body because he’s hung up on his own.

You, meanwhile, may have left your overt doubts behind in 9th grade, but the covert ones are alive and well and prompting you to ask, not, “Is this family as healthy emotionally as it is physically,” but instead, “Does this mean I’m fat?” Look again: Anyone who resorts to “Mine’s thinner than yours” competitiveness – with her son’s girlfriend – doesn’t feel “better than” anybody.

So a decision whether to take on the mom would be ineffective either way because it would be premature. First you need to get your own mind around the dynamics of their family, your relationship, and your shaky peace with yourself. And once you do, I doubt your question about what to say to the mom will be one you still have to ask.