Carolyn Hax: Multidating OK if done openly
Carolyn Hax is away. The following is adapted from summer 2006 live discussions on www.washingtonpost.com.
Carolyn: How does one date multiple people? I’ve always been the girl who gets into a serious relationship too soon, and now I’m trying NOT to jump into anything too quickly. So I find myself dating three guys, all of whom I enjoy spending time with. But I find myself feeling a little guilty. And I also find myself worrying that by dating multiple people I won’t let myself develop stronger feelings for any of them. – Washington
That you haven’t developed stronger feelings suggests it’s a good thing you haven’t picked one, just to “let” stronger feelings develop. You want to concentrate on someone because he’s special to you, not the other way around. As long as all of them know you’re dating casually and dating others, then you have nothing to feel guilty about.
If multidating continues to feel weird to you, then you don’t have to keep it up – why work that hard? – but I would suggest you replace it with not dating anyone. Unless of course you find yourself missing one of the guys in particular, which would be one way a take-it-slowly strategy pays off.
Carolyn: My in-laws are coming this weekend. And staying for quite a lot longer than I’d like. My other half and I tend to start bickering and being miserable to one another if the in-laws stay any longer than three days. But now we’re looking at five. The in-laws manipulated their way into a longer stay … and my other half didn’t want to deal with telling them it was too long. We have a baby coming in a few months, and I just know they’re going to keep pulling their manipulative tactics and not listen to me … and my other half is going to just let them do what they want because it’s “easier” than confronting them. Any advice? – Another In-Law Question
Find a way to have to be out of town for a day or two of their visit, even if it’s to “have to be out of town” at a hotel in a neighboring town. If it has a spa, even better. If you can’t afford it, crash with a friend. Why not? In-law avoidance therapy could be good practice for when the baby comes, and you learn that while most things need solutions in principle, sometimes practical ones will suffice in a pinch.
Speaking of solutions in principle. I would urge you and your other half to find a way to work out the in-law problem – and, if there is one, the larger not-dealing-with-problems problem – before the baby comes, lest you bicker this kid into researching kindergarten study-abroad programs.