Carolyn Hax: Handle self well in face of news
Carolyn: I’ve always been a people-pleaser type, and am worried about being taken advantage of in my first relationship (of over three years now). I’ve always said if he cheats on me, I’m out of there – an assertive and self-respecting act I believe I would follow through on.
However, does my saying it to him make him more likely to lie about transgressions, if he wants to stay with me? If so, what’s the right way to say, “I respect myself enough not to tolerate your treating me badly, but you also can be honest with me”? – Va.
There is no right way to say it.
That is, unless not saying it counts as a way to say it.
There are only two reasons to declare such intentions out loud: as a threat to keep someone from taking advantage of you, and as a way to persuade yourself that you’re tough enough to keep people from taking advantage of you.
But good people will treat you honorably – or, when they screw up, correct themselves honorably – without threats, and bad ones will mistreat you despite them. Three years in, you either trust him or don’t. So there goes your first audience.
And confident people aren’t immune from poor treatment. No one is. They simply have more and varied sources of strength and so aren’t as dependent on a mate for their self-worth – and so may feel miserable when a mate betrays them, but are less prone to devastation. So they fear it less, no matter what warnings they issue, how, to whom.
There goes your second audience.
As for assuring people you can handle the truth? Easy. Handle it when they tell you the truth. If you set a precedent of receiving difficult news without yelling, name-calling, finger-pointing, withdrawing or grudge-holding, then people won’t feel pressured to sneak out the side door when they have some difficult news. At least, not pressured by you.
Hi, Carolyn: I’m in a loving relationship with a wonderful guy. We are both in our 20s and will both be coming up on big moves for school and work in the next couple of years. We talk of the future, and we want to be together … but at what point is it OK to start making plans for the future when you don’t have a ring on your finger? – Washington
In a decade of advising, here is a question no man has ever sent me: “Should I wait till we’re engaged before I relocate for her?”
It is your life. It was your life before, it is your life now, it will be your life when you do or don’t get married. Nobody is telling you otherwise – except you. Stop waiting for someone else’s permission to chart the course of your life. Look around. People live like this every day. I’m guessing your boyfriend is one.