Carolyn Hax: Give support when she asks for it

Dear Carolyn: I am trying to support my girlfriend as she tries to quit smoking. While most of the time she appreciates my support, sometimes she snaps that I am trying to control her. She has an abusive relationship in her past, so I want to be aware of her feelings and fears. Where do you draw the line between caring and control? – D.C.

You both draw it. If you’d love her all the same whether she quits or not, you’re clear: When she asks for your input, give it, when she doesn’t, don’t, and when you slip, apologize.

If your love or respect for her hinges on her quitting, then you need to let go of the strings.

Carolyn: I’m completely in love with my boyfriend, and we have plans to move in together. We have talked about marriage and family, but we have vastly different ideas about money. While I have reduced my debt substantially and saved a little nest egg, he is in severe debt and has the terrible credit to prove it. Recently he bought a brand new luxury car.

I worry this will affect his ability to pay rent on time, a problem he’s had in the past. I told him how upset I was and gave him a list of financial goals he would have to meet before I would live with him. He agreed.

He is nowhere near reaching the goals. I had promised to try not to bring it up (I admit to being a big nag, something I have been trying to work on), but I feel I need to say something. I worry that we are too different in how we view money. Is this a deal-breaker or am I being shallow? – In Love With Him and Not His Bank Statement

You have vastly different ideas about money, and marriage and family. And maturity, love, duty, self. I probably missed a few, too. This guy who ignores tomorrow so he can indulge today – you expect him to let you sleep while he comforts a baby at 3 a.m.?

He and his finances and your nagging are all one problem, and you won’t solve them (or remain solvent) unless you see that.

Credit scores are numeric character witnesses. People who knowingly assume more debt than they can repay are thieves; as a repeat offender, your boyfriend is knowing indeed. His conscience doesn’t stop him from satisfying his desires with a lender’s money, a landlord’s income, your nest egg. See this. Please.

While you’re there, see the pattern in your nagging: Instead of knowing what you have, you believe what you want. Familiar? You’re trying to will him to behave honorably – but if he declared he was going to will his debts away, what would you tell him?

Sure, yes, your boyfriend is free to do as the banks allow. But that doesn’t excuse it or obligate you to respect it, much less be a party to it.

Instead of waiting for him to decide your future by meeting your goals, decide for yourself: If he wanted to carry his own weight financially, wouldn’t he have done it by now? And if you can’t trust him with your savings, why would you entrust him with you?