Lively chat leads to ring etiquette

Dear Miss Manners – I am in a rather lively (yet positive) debate about the engagement ring. I oh-so-innocently asked the question, “What if the lady does not like the ring the man chose? Is there some etiquette or some rule that tells us if and how and when she can ask to exchange that ring for one that is more to her liking?”

Well, some people thought that rejecting the ring is tantamount to rejecting the proposal and the man making the proposal.

Others are vigorously defending the woman, saying that no true gentleman would foist a gaudy blob on the woman he loves, nor be so uncouth as to expect her to wear it day in and day out (which sparked a side debate about whether or not the engagement ring is worn for the rest of your life).

Yet others automatically assumed that the woman was expecting something more (bigger diamond, basically) and made disparaging remarks about a woman who would consider the price tag and status symbol more important than the ring’s purpose as a symbol of the promise to marry.

Someone then mentioned that you might have the answer to this puzzle.

So, suppose that two people are genuinely in love (and not driven by lust or other nonpermanent emotions) and ready for marriage (with each other). Suppose that the gentleman took it upon himself to buy/design an engagement ring, and he did his best to get something she would like. Suppose he pops the question, on his knee, all romantic, with the velvet box.

Suppose she accepts with delight. But she does not like the style of the ring. Perhaps her idea of “classic” is different from his. Perhaps the giant diamond is just too unwieldy. Perhaps the styling does not work for hands of her size and looks disproportionate.

Should the lady simply keep her mouth shut and wear it and be grateful she has an engagement ring?

Is it acceptable for a lady in such a situation to ask to get it exchanged? If yes, then how and when?

Should a gentleman be offended by such a request?

If it is acceptable to exchange that unattractive engagement ring for another, how should the engaged couple do this? Shall they travel to the jewelers together? Shall the lady go alone (or with her friends)? Would the jeweler the gent bought the ring from take it back for a full refund? What if the jeweler’s policy is no refunds, only exchange or store credit, and there is nothing in that store to the lady’s liking?

Gentle Reader – OK, you’ve given Miss Manners enough to work with. You can stop now.

The surprise ring dates back to when the gentleman was likely to produce a family ring, and it fell into abeyance when gentlemen without family jewelry were nevertheless deemed eligible. Sensibly, then the proposal came first; some time subsequently, the lady was taken to choose from a variety of rings that the gentleman had had put aside as meeting his budget.

Now that producing a ring is considered central to the drama of a proposal, it has become a package deal. To take one without the other would not only irk a gentleman who spent weeks learning about the Four Cs of judging diamonds. It would confuse him.

This does not mean that the lady is stuck with it forever, although we hope she sticks with him. In a happy moment, far from the proposal time, preferably after the wedding, she says musingly, “I always want to wear my engagement ring, but it’s not comfortable for every day. Do you mind if I have it reset?”

By this time, he has forgotten the Four Cs and his investment in them, and probably prefers not to be troubled with the matter.