North Idaho journal: Did I mention there are a lot of latte stands?

I’m not complaining, but Coeur d’Alene has a lot of latte stands. I realized that several years ago, and since then the number has at least doubled. I was going to do a little research and drive around town counting stands, but gas became too expensive. But there are a lot.

In traveling around the country, I’ve noticed a huge disparity in distribution of latte stands. In Florida, forget it. In Seattle, I think they’re illegal. In Portland there are a few around. But in Anacortes, Wash., where you catch the ferry to the San Juan Islands, they are everywhere. One intersection had one at all four corners. One was open 24-hours, in a town that closes when the sun goes down. I don’t get it.

Here in Coeur d’Alene, though, we have a lot.

I have a scientific mind and I have been working on answering the question of the latte stand distribution thing. In Florida it is too hot for hot coffee, and with sun and hurricanes, and all, they probably don’t need caffeine as much as we do here in the North Country where gloomy skies and short days lead to caffeine deficiencies – at least in winter.

But there’s more to it than that. I should have mentioned before that this week’s column is just for men, so ladies, put the paper down.

Have you guys noticed the number of really good looking girls that work at those places? I’m single so I can answer honestly. There are a lot. This part you probably hadn’t noticed, but I was told by a latte stand owner that most of patrons of latte stands are guys – 80 percent guys at one busy stand. Who’d have thought? Why in North Idaho would guys be spending $3 on fancy coffee?

You are right – because of the good-looking girls!

As a part of my scientific study, I’ve made a point of getting to know some of these girls. And they can tell stories. They know what’s going on. They know how to dress. They know how to act. They know what to say. And the dumb guys eat it up, order their fancy coffee – names of which they can’t even pronounce – and plunk down some pretty hefty tips in the end. Lots of guys, I hear tell, pay more in tips than they do for the coffee.

But they all leave happy. It may be a gray, drizzly morning. They may have just left a surly wife and brat kids, headed for a blockhead boss and a tough day. Their prospects for “Have a Nice Day” may be nil. Yet, for a few minutes along the way, some pretty and sexy girl was nice, even, perhaps, a bit flirtatious, and gave away a few hints of what is, in all likelihood, a fantastic body. That’s why you see big, mud-covered trucks waiting in line. That’s why you see stupid grins on guys’ faces. That’s why they pay big bucks for fancy coffee and leave $5 tips.

Guys learn their favorite girls’ schedules, and even what they drive so they can tell who’s working at a glance through the parking lot. One particularly striking girl I know from Alaska makes all the difference for the stand where she works. If her car is not there, business is slow. When she drives in, business picks up. One day she had borrowed a car, and her afternoon was slow. She should have put up a big sign, “My car is in the shop today.”

It’s true, though; some guys take it too seriously and get to be real jerks. One girl I know had a guy expose himself when she handed out the coffee. I told her she should have poured it in his lap. Let him explain those third-degree burns at the emergency room.

One of the owners told me that she learned to be careful about looking in the car to see who is with the usual customer, especially on weekends. More than once she’s said, “Regular today, Mike?” only to hear Mike’s wife on the other side of the car sarcastically say, “You have a ‘regular?’ ” And then growl, “How does she know your name?”

The girls aren’t bimbos; they are baristas, although one radio station had a barista beauty contest that dredged up a few bimbos from the look of some of the online photos. All the beauties were there, too, but some heavily-tattooed-biker-bar-type won.

Lots of the girls I know are college students, making a few bucks on the side. Good ones truly like people, and also have a good memory. I can’t even remember from day to day what I drink. How do they keep it all straight for all the caffeine addicts that pour through in a day? And believe me; people know if the girls get anything wrong.

From what I hear, women are especially whiney. Not being susceptible to pretty smiles, tight jeans, and lots of tanned skin, they tend to be pickier about their coffee, and much more likely to be vocal about it. I guess they should stick to Starbucks.