Carolyn Hax: Try counseling then decide

Carolyn: What do you think of premarital counseling? My boyfriend and I, early thirties, live together. The one obstacle we face is an inability to “fight fair.” He has suggested we see a couples’ therapist before we become engaged. I am thinking that if we can’t communicate well on our own, we may not be “meant to be.” What do you think? – Brooklyn

I think if you still can’t communicate after some tutoring from a competent professional, then maybe you aren’t meant to be.

Since it makes so little sense to chuck everything instead of trying to fix one (admittedly large) problem, I also have to wonder if you’ve already made up your mind to leave him. If that’s true, and the confessing, packing and moving – not to mention the unfair fighting that may come with it – all seem too daunting, then maybe this discussion about counseling, if not the counseling itself, can be just the opening you need.

Dear Carolyn: After our son broke up with his live-in girlfriend of 2 1/2 years, my husband and I felt very sad. We really liked this young woman and thought she would be part of our family forever. It’s been five months now, and both have moved on to other relationships. We became emotionally attached to this young woman and find it hard to “move on” and accept the new girlfriend. Our son feels we should be more supportive of him and his new girlfriend. It has caused some friction in our family, which has never happened before. What do you recommend we do to fix this situation? – Sad Mom

You and your husband need to break up with the old girlfriend.

I sympathize, I do – as everyone should who has ever signed on to the idea of child’s marriage as gaining a daughter or son. It has to work the same in reverse, and by that measure you’ve lost a (common-law) daughter.

However, since it sounds like you’re working on losing a son, too, it’s time to concentrate on keeping the baby you’ve got. The reasons aren’t just familial, that he’s your son and you need to back him no matter what. That wouldn’t be the case if, for example, he’d been cruel or abusive to her.

It’s more that it was his relationship, day to day to day, and any number of blameless (or at least forgivable) things could have happened that he might not want to pick over with Mom and Dad. What if, for example, their sex life wasn’t so good? Should he have to spell that out? Would you want him to?

So, in the absence of bigger moral imperatives: He made his decision, you made him, he’s the one you support. You can keep in touch with the ex, if you’d like, but the open grieving for her has to go.