Carolyn Hax : Alter view of self, women

Carolyn: I am 40 and never married, which seems to set off alarms for single women. They wonder if I’m gay, afraid of commitment, or hiding dark secrets. None of these is true.

For years, women have told me: “You’re such a great guy, … but I don’t feel that way about you.” Does this mean I have to stop being a decent human being so women will want me? Furthermore, I’ve noticed women who wanted nothing to do with me when I was younger have decided I’m a great catch, even though I haven’t changed much. They also have grown older and have a ticking biological clock. Does this mean I’m “good enough” for them now and can fulfill the role of baby-maker?

I suppose if life were like the movies, I’d be happy a woman finally noticed the good guy. However, all I feel is resentment and distrust toward these women, who I think see me as a consolation prize. Any ideas on how I can improve my outlook on dating and marriage? – Mike From Iowa

You can glue green sequins to it and call it a topiary.

Or, you can stop blaming others for it.

As you present it, it’s you against the female world, since womankind has demonstrated it’s too venal to appreciate you.

But that argument rests on planet-size assumptions and generalizations. Some women, yes, are attracted to “dangerous” people – immature women. (Some men are, too.) Some women, yes, will settle for a “consolation prize” when desperate, but hardly all. (Some men will, too.)

Even if you somehow proved these were female behavioral norms, that still wouldn’t make them true of every woman.

Which is why: Just about all women, and men, and, clearly, you, will chafe when prejudged or stereotyped.

So stop doing it. And, while you’re there, please stop selling yourself the line that you haven’t changed much. (1) You have; you’ve gotten angry, angrier, too angry to trust anyone, yourself included. (2) It’s nothing to brag about. Growing is good. (3) It’s unfair to “these women,” because dramatic growth is also common at the life stage you describe.

People – men and women – routinely make choices at 20-whatever that they wouldn’t make at 40. About everything, mates, careers, money, neighborhoods, destinations, haircuts, watering holes, number of drinks consumed there, everything.

Meanwhile: We’re all “great,” in the abstract, to many, and appealing to only a specific few. Welcome to dating. These are so routine that I think there’s a willfulness to not applying them to your situation and giving womankind a break (a skeptical one, sure). A willfulness to assuming they disliked you then, they dislike you now, and your only value is sperm. A willfulness to assuming it’s impossible they could want you.

From your 179 words, I won’t try to divine whether uninterested women beat your self-esteem to dust, or your having dust for self-esteem scared women off, or a slow-motion swirly of both.

But I don’t think it’s your dating outlook that needs improvement. It’s your outlook on you, which strongly influences how the rest of us feel. Often that’s a job for a good therapist; sometimes it’s enough just to recognize the problem, but only if you can challenge your own reasoning until the stereotypes fall away.