Fiance not good enough

Fri., March 9, 2007

Carolyn Hax Washington Post

Dear Carolyn: My friend (really) is getting married soon. She and her family are from overseas and are a close-knit bunch by culture. Her fiance is American and not used to having them all up in his business. The family recently decided to tell her they don’t like his personality. They are making her life hell, telling her that he has not “proven himself” enough. They nitpick things he does that they don’t like. I have only met him briefly myself. She is crying daily over the position she is in. I feel bad for this guy, whose soon-to-be in-laws are trying to gut him of his dignity to prove he deserves their daughter/sister. And I feel bad for my friend, who is trying to make everyone happy, though no one can be consoled here. What should she do? – Philadelphia

She didn’t write to me, so I can only advise the adviser, something I normally avoid. “Should” is a hard enough word to live up to; this is “should” once removed.

But, who knows, a friend who has the bride’s attention and no connection to the groom might be the right messenger at the right time.

Run it by her that maybe no one can be consoled here, but certainly some can be educated. It’s not as comforting, but it does last longer.

Bride can teach Groom what her family is trying to do, how much of it is temporary and how much is here to stay, and how inclined she is to confront them.

He can explain to her what he can live with, what he can’t and how patient he thinks he can be.

Each of them can learn how far they’re willing to go to fix this, and, more important, how far they aren’t.

Each can learn to communicate these limits to the other.

And both of them can learn, immediately, where they can get premarital counseling tailored to couples trying to navigate cultural gaps. If she agrees, you can research it for her.

And finally: Please remind her, this is a test of their emergency coping system. Crying every day isn’t an answer, obviously; it is helpful, though, if she can see it as an indication that her usual answer to this problem doesn’t work any more. Help her pick out a new one.

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