Weakside help

Sun., March 11, 2007

By Jim Kershner jimkershner@comcast.net

Hoops glossary

Here are a few of the terms you're likely to encounter during the NCAA Tournament:

Screen:

When an offensive player stands between a teammate and his defender, allowing the teammate to take an open shot.

Pick:

Another name for a screen in which an offensive player prevents a defensive player from following the player with the ball.

Pick and roll:

In which the player setting the pick then rolls toward the basket.

Pick and pop:

In which the player setting the pick then receives a pass and immediately shoots.

Weakside:

The side of the court away from the ball.

Transition:

The shift from offense to defense and vice versa.

The paint:

The painted area underneath the basket extending to the free throw line, same as "the lane."

Crossover dribble:

A dribble from one hand to the other in front of the body.

Post:

The area on either side of the lane (or paint).

Hi-Lo:

In which two posts are established; the low post near the basket, the high post near the free throw line.

Three-second violation:

When an offensive player stays in the lane for more than three seconds.

Zone:

A defense in which each player is responsible for an area of the court, as opposed to a man-to-man defense (or man defense), in which each player is responsible for one particular player.

Lane violation:

When a player moves into the lane on a free throw too soon.

Alley-oop:

A high lob to the basket, enabling a teammate to catch and score in a single motion.

Possession arrow:

An arrow on the scorer's table which indicates which team gets possession after a held ball or to begin a period. The NBA does not have a possession arrow.

- Jim Kershner

Even casual basketball fans – and by “casual” we mean those of you without benefit of actual basketball knowledge – will soon be riveted to the NCAA Tournament.

Yet you can sound like an expert, too, simply by mastering the jargon. Here, in “Faking Your Way Through the NCAA Basketball Games,” you can learn how to yell intelligent, basketball-savvy things at (a) the refs, (b) the coaches, (c) your spouse and (d) your TV.

Correct: Nice execution of the crossover dribble.

Incorrect: That’s so sad. He’s been diagnosed with crossover dribble.

Correct: I like the way he runs the pick-and-pop.

Incorrect: I’m going to the kitchen. Anybody want a pick-and-pop?

Correct: I like the way they’re running the Hi-Lo.

Incorrect: I like the way they’re running the J-Lo.

Correct: They’re showing excellent movement without the ball.

Incorrect: They’re running around like crazy people and waving their hands in the air!

Correct: Hey ref! That foul was flagrant!

Incorrect: Hey ump! That foul was fragrant!

Correct: That was a nicely executed pick.

Incorrect: No fair! Their dude totally ran into our dude.

Correct: Way to use the glass!

Incorrect: Get out the Windex, Wanda, because we’re wiping the windshield tonight!

Correct: They’re having no success in the paint.

Incorrect: Watch for wet paint!

Correct: He knows how to shoot the three-ball.

Incorrect: He’s knows how to juggle three balls!

Correct: They’re back to playing man.

Incorrect: They’re back to playing with their man.

Correct: Raivio is deadly from the stripe.

Incorrect: Raivio is deadly from the. … Hey! Why’d he only get one point for that?

Correct: We’re getting good penetration.

Incorrect: Hey ump! That was flagrant penetration!

Correct: Three seconds on the shot clock!

Incorrect: The little hand is pointing to three!

Correct: Awesome! The two-hand flush!

Incorrect: Get out the Tidy Bowl, Timmy, because we just pounded two points down the old privy!

Correct: He’s skilled at taking the charge.

Incorrect: He’s skilled at standing there and getting knocked on his can.

Correct: I like their bigs. Their smalls aren’t so bad, either.

Incorrect: I like their bigs and their smalls, but I’m not so sure about their petites.

Correct: Their big man is in foul trouble.

Incorrect: Their big man is in legal trouble. (Can be correct under certain circumstances).

Correct: Get the ball to the low post!

Incorrect: Mail it in via low post!

Correct: The possession arrow is in their favor.

Incorrect: Watch out! Their team is shooting the possession arrow!

Correct: Look at how well their smalls create contact.

Incorrect: Look at how far that little dude bounced off that big dude.

Correct: Air ball! Air ball! Air ball!

Incorrect: Hair ball! Hair ball! Hair ball!

Correct: They’re the best of the midmajors.

Incorrect: They’re the best of the English majors.

Correct: They’re a team on the bubble.

Incorrect: They’re a team on the brink of sanity.

Correct: That guy threw up a brick!

Incorrect: That guy coughed up a floor tile!

Correct: Swing it to the weakside!

Incorrect: Swing it to the weakside! Do si do!

Correct: Perfect execution of the alley-oop.

Incorrect: Perfect execution of the Li’l Abner.

Correct: I like their transition offense.

Incorrect: I like the transitory nature of their offense.

Correct: There’s the big slamma-jamma!

Incorrect: There’s the big pair of pajamas!

Correct: That was a lane violation.

Incorrect: That was a carpool lane violation.

Correct: That’s an over-and-back violation.

Incorrect: That’s one of those violations where you forget which way you’re supposed to go.

Correct: She’s excellent from beyond the arc.

Incorrect: She’s excellent from beyond the Rubicon.

Correct: He really clanged that free throw off the iron.

Incorrect: So close! He missed by only six inches!

Correct: He’s a great shooter from downtown.

Incorrect: He’s a great shooter from the county’s rural regions.

Correct: They’re banging bodies under the boards.

Incorrect: They’re pounding physiques in the painted portions.

Correct: This is what they call the flex offense.

Incorrect: This is what they call our team trying to throw the ball into the basket.

Correct: I can’t wait for March Madness.

Incorrect: I can’t wait for April Annoyance.

Correct: Finally! We’re goin’ to the Big Dance!

Incorrect: Finally! We’re goin’ to the Big Tap Class!