Beaten down by wife’s affairs

Dear Annie: I am in my 60s and have been married to “Lorraine” for 42 years.

In Year Four of our marriage, Lorraine admitted to an affair. She said I wasn’t exciting enough, and she was right. I was more interested in being successful in my career. We had a 2-year-old daughter, so I got over it.

In Year 11, I caught Lorraine in our bed with a guy she worked with. He was 10 years younger. This was rough, because the guy was friends with many of my co-workers and made sure they all knew the whole story. I still loved her, and we had two young daughters. I forgave but never really forgot.

In Year 20, Lorraine admitted to another affair and wanted a divorce. I moved out, but after four months, she said she’d made a mistake, so I moved back.

Annie, that last one did me in. I no longer want sex with Lorraine or anyone else. I’ve tried but can’t perform. We now have a brother-sister relationship and are reasonably content. We are comfortably retired and financially set.

The problem is, I’ve started having dreams of the time I caught her in our bed with the other guy. In the dreams, I always deal with it differently – I never wimp out and end up in the situation we are in now. The stress and lack of sleep are getting to me. Please help. – 60-Plus Wimp

Dear 60-Plus: You may have forgiven Lorraine, but you never forgot how disrespectful she was to you and your marriage. You are now fixated on the most humiliating episode, believing that had you reacted in a more “manly” way, your life would have been better. You sound beaten down. Please consider some counseling, so you can learn to forgive yourself and truly put the past where it belongs.

Dear Annie: I’m a 64-year-old man, married for 37 years. It bothers me that my wife will never call me by my name or any term of endearment, unless we are with other people. I have told her it makes me feel as if I am nothing special to her. I always call her by her name, or use “Honey,” or “Dear,” but she thinks I’m expecting too much for her to do it. Am I? – No Name in Nebraska

Dear No Name: We remember the woman who begged her husband to call her by a pet name, so he called her “Lassie.” Your wife’s “endearment impairment” is no doubt annoying, but it may have little to do with her feelings for you. You can try some behavior modification and ask her to force herself to call you by your first name (and remind her often), and it will become more natural over time. But after 37 years, this is not going to change unless your wife is willing to work on it.