Carolyn Hax: Compromise on wedding plans
Carolyn Hax is away. The following is adapted from winter 2006 live discussions on www.washingtonpost.com.
Carolyn: My fiance wants a big wedding with all his family there. I want something small and intimate. We’ve tried compromising on something in between, but it is neither big enough for him nor small enough for me. What should I do? I feel like the problem is compounded because I’m the bride, so everyone keeps wanting to talk about what I want. But I don’t even like weddings. Should I just tell him to plan it all, and I’ll show up, or what? – Stressville
That sounds like a keeper. Anyone who wants something badly enough to impose it on a mate who doesn’t want it has to be willing to assume all burdens involved. Otherwise, it’s compromise time, meaning neither of you gets what you want. Except, of course, each other.
Carolyn: As I get into my 30s, I’m coming to the increasingly uncomfortable realization that it is really, really hard to meet hot, unattached women my age. The 20-year-olds always look good. This I understand. I’ve been there, done that, and have the hand marks on my forehead to prove it. But what is with every attractive woman over the age of 30 being married?– D.C.
No, the real issue is that you’re into your 30s and still looking for someone “hot.” Emotional and physical attraction are so much more complicated and enduring than that – but you have to let them be, which is about the fisherman, not the pond.
Carolyn: I have a close friend of the opposite gender. She’s been one of my closest friends for years. Now she’s single, and I’m torn. I have a window of opportunity to communicate my feelings, but at the same time I fear damaging our friendship. What should I do? – Denver
You can come share my favorite head-banging wall.
Which would you prefer, possibility of losing her, or certainty of never having her?
To Denver: Please don’t tell her. If you’ve had feelings for her this long, chances are she already knows this. If she knows and hasn’t acted on it, she probably does not share the feeling. Don’t ruin a good friendship. – Anonymous
I see your point, but I still think he needs to say something so he doesn’t torture himself for never having tried. You say she “probably” doesn’t share the feeling. Probably + doing nothing + many years = hell. If he braces for the worst, he can hear the worst and work to settle back into the friendship – and by that I mean NOT revisiting the issue, which is what I think would ruin the friendship, not the fact that he spoke up once.