Sputtering GM needs advertising tuneup

The inevitable finally happened. Toyota dethroned General Motors this quarter as the world’s largest automaker.

We’ve all read about the reasons: Struggling SUV sales; a consumer shift toward high-mileage vehicles; GM’s high pension and health care costs.

Yeah? Well I think I know another reason: GM has been running some of the dumbest advertising campaigns in automotive history.

Some of the most common GM ads lately have been about their OnStar “safety and security system.”

The typical ad features a not-too-bright sounding GM customer calling the OnStar hotline and saying something like, “I just went and locked my big old self out of my car.”

Then a helpful operator activates some kind of electronic signal and remotely unlocks the car. At which point the GM customer says something like, “Oh, thank you so much, you wonderful people at OnStar! I don’t know what I’d do without you!”

Well, for starters, try putting your keys IN YOUR POCKET.

Another ad features a guy calling OnStar and asking for directions. After the operator activates the patented Turn by Turn system, he confesses that he already knows how to get where he’s going. He just wanted to use the OnStar navigation system because, well, because it’s so darn nifty. (Now, there’s a man hard up for entertainment.)

Yet these are just minor irritations. The real problem with these ads is that they are not actually about the cars. I am not a marketing genius, but if GM wants to be the No. 1 carmaker in the world, shouldn’t they be touting, let’s say, their actual cars? Or do they just want to be the No. 1 safety-security-navigation-system purveyor in the world?

I mean, how hard is this to figure out? When it comes to important factors influencing a car-buying decision, I would guess “availability of OnStar” would be about No. 18 on the list, right below “lighted glove compartment.” Nos. 1 and 2 would have to be “cool, good-looking, well-made car” and “reasonable certainty car won’t fall apart right away.”

Wouldn’t you think that GM’s advertising agency might want to emphasize THOSE things for a change?

But no, besides touting OnStar, they run a series of ads featuring John Cougar Mellencamp singing an ode about how we should “let the voice of freedom ring out through this land.” about how “this is our country.” This is accompanied by pictures of people mending fence and playing baseball with cleats that are emblazoned with the message, “110 %.”

Yes, we all love our country. Yes, we love baseball (not to mention apple pie). Yes, we all want to give 110 percent (if only it were mathematically possible). But how, exactly, does this talk me into buying a GM vehicle?

While GM is busy pounding its old-fashioned all-American image into the ground, Toyota is eating its lunch by running ads that actually sell the product. Toyota talks about its vehicles’ fuel-efficiency, stylish design and reliability. And when it comes to pickups, Toyota is certainly not above talking about how tough and brawny they are.

I admit that some part of me finds GM’s self-inflicted problems funny, but in fact, I’m more than a little pensive about this. I come from a GM family. I grew up on Bel Airs and Corvairs. All things being equal, I would have been happier buying GM cars all of my life and doing my part to keep it the No. 1 automaker in the world.

But all things weren’t equal. When I needed an all-wheel drive wagon, GM didn’t make one. Subaru did. When I wanted a high-mileage hybrid, GM didn’t make one. Toyota did.

So this former GM loyalist has a Toyota in his driveway. It gets phenomenal gas mileage and has not required a single repair in two years.

So now I have to get by without, among other things, OnStar. That’s not such a big sacrifice. With Toyota’s innovative keyless ignition system, I couldn’t lock myself out of my car if I tried.