Carolyn Hax: He reveals too much too soon

Carolyn: I’ve been seeing a great guy for the last six weeks. He is funny, smart, attentive and mostly considerate. There is one issue. He continually reveals a good deal more personal information than I am comfortable hearing at this stage of our relationship. This information includes very personal family history and details of his psychological issues (past, not present). I politely indicated that I was not yet comfortable with this level of emotional intimacy. As the conversations continued, I was more direct in explaining that I would prefer to wait until we knew one another better.

This weekend he brought up a big, potentially explosive occurrence from his childhood. At the time I just felt for him, that he had experienced something so painful. However, shortly thereafter, I also felt really hostile and uncomfortable – we’d just talked about slowing things down. I really like this person, but somehow all of this self-revelation feels like a red flag. Or maybe my discomfort is a red flag about MY readiness for a serious relationship? – Too Close for Comfort

Or it’s a red flag that you’re about to talk yourself out of your own discomfort because you like this guy and want things to work out, and don’t realize that, when you and he are visiting Mom with your two kids (and a third on the way!) and he launches into an extended bit of friendly expository chatter on exactly why you have a third on the way, you’re going to fix on a point about a thousand yards away and think: “Oh. That’s what the red flag meant.”

If you suspect you’re wary of intimacy to a point where it isn’t healthy, then please do address that – for your reasons, not for him.

If his openness seems excessive or attention-driven, and your own lack of it doesn’t, then, I swear, there’s no need to dig – or date – any further than that.

Dear Carolyn: My husband and I have hit a rough patch. We have been married for three years, have two small children, he works long hours at a stressful job, and I am a stay-at-home mother. I am having trouble finding the “spark” and he is frustrated. Do you have any advice on how to try to focus more on my marriage and less on the kids and household stuff? – Marriage-ville, USA

So set aside times where you put your husband and yourself near the front of the line. Arrange for child care, put the dates on the calendar, and honor them like … well, like appointments you make for your kids. Because date nights and “me” times, maybe like no others, really are appointments you make for your kids.