Divorced father should fight attempts by stepdad to make him look bad
Dear Mr. Dad: My problem started about four years ago, when my ex and I split up. She started seeing this new guy and in less than a year she was pregnant and had my son calling this guy “dad,” and now he wants me completely out of the picture. They started by getting to school early and picking my son up before I got there. Then they took him out of school altogether and moved out of the area. I hired a private eye and tracked them down. But here’s the problem: Every time this guy and I are anywhere near each other he threatens to beat me up. He tries to control every situation and actually had the nerve to ask me not to go to my son’s baseball games. The latest thing is that he’s telling my son to give me a hard time and not to listen to me. I’ve been standing my ground and he’s slowly backing off, but I’m running out of steam. Do I keep doing what I am doing or should I try a different route?
A: What a miserable situation.
It sounds as though what you’re doing is starting to produce results. But it also sounds like the stepdad is a real piece of work. And I’m wondering where your ex is in all of this and why she’s allowing all of this to happen. I don’t believe for a second that any of this would come as a surprise to her.
It’s essential that you thoroughly document every incident that comes up with the new guy – him telling your son to call him “daddy,” him filling your son’s head with nasty comments about you, him getting in your face at ball games, and everything having to do with interfering with your custody arrangement – picking your son up before you get there, et cetera. Wherever possible, get a written statement from a witness.
At the same time, talk to your lawyer and find out what you can do on the legal front. More and more judges are losing their patience with parents who put their own needs in front of what’s good for the kids or who try to turn children against another parent.
And finally, make sure you don’t do anything that could possibly be used against you. If you lose your temper and clock this guy, you know he and your ex will be all over it. So no swearing at him, no threats, no sarcastic comments.
You’re clearly a guy who wants to do the right thing and I know you’ll come out of this OK, so don’t give up. And remember this: Your son may not say anything, but he knows exactly what his mom and this guy are doing. When he gets a little older, there’s a good chance that he’ll decide he’d rather live with you full time than continue having to deal with people who are more interested in hurting his father than in doing what’s right.