Carolyn Hax : Transparency your only play

Carolyn: My marriage is headed for divorce. My spouse is involved with abuse of prescription drugs. Do I let my spouse’s family know of the abuse so they can be on watch, or will they think I am an angry, resentful ex? There are children involved whom I don’t want alienated by my in-laws. – Ohio

If it’s their standard MO to receive bad news with their dukes up – and punish innocent kids for it – then there’s some insight into your spouse’s problem right there. It’s also a warning to shield your children by enlisting the help of an envoy. Think of the one person in your spouse’s family whom you know to be more reasonable … there’s always one, isn’t there? … and tell that person. Explain, too, your reasons for sharing this way. Absolute transparency is the only card you can play.

If, on the other hand, their history with you would be the cause of their skepticism, then you need to acknowledge that history upfront. In other words: eat dirt. Make it clear you wouldn’t blame them for suspecting ulterior motives, but that, given the serious circumstances, you hope they choose instead to trust you. Again, transparency is your only play.

I say that because silence is not a real choice. Continued, unmonitored drug abuse would put your spouse and children at risk of physical harm; that trumps the emotional risk.

Hi, Carolyn: How do you help friends talk about something difficult, without risking the possibility that if you hadn’t brought it up, they never would have had that difficult thought in the first place? For example: my best friend recently went into early labor. I know many women in this situation would (inappropriately/unfairly) blame themselves for a premature birth. If my friend is feeling that, it’s something I think she would want to talk about, and I want to make it easier for her by bringing it up. Thoughts? – Trying to Be a Good Friend

I am not saying this to be cruel: The trick of raising difficult issues is to be comfortable doing it.

It’s not your only option, though, which is fortunate given how few of us are naturals at it. You can also have the tact not to raise these things, and instead establish yourself, over time, as someone who is there, who listens, who doesn’t judge, and who therefore chips away at the kind of fear that makes people keep to themselves. As they trust you more, they can come to you on their own.

Or, not. Maybe the most important thing you can do is trust them, and recognize that sometimes people deal with things in their own way, in their own time, and appreciate friends who don’t push.